Calling in Kali Ma

Welcome Kali Ma. In 2023 I called her in. I needed a fierce protector. I’d never had one who could own, honor, and make right use of their appropriate anger, rage, and fury at injustices that persist throughout our ages and collective subconscious. I didn’t think it was “ok” for me to ask for protection.  Even when being harmed in ways I won’t discuss here but I think you can all fill in your own #metoo experiences.

I learned early in my LDS programming that “keeping sweet” and “keeping peace” was paramount.

I learned to shock absorb for my whole family.

It was what I was “rewarded” for that and my ancestors were praised for it too.

To be quiet,

demure,

understanding,

pious women who tolerated discomfort to an unhealthy degree bc they had no choice - it was survival for them.

But not for me.

For me it was a quiet killer.

Killing them with kindness was not killing anyone but me.

I saw all the patterns. I heard the assignment. I accepted the challenge to break the chains.

To unmuzzle my ancestors and speak.

“And suddenly all my ancestors were behind me”

I heard:

The truth has teeth, and Imma use em.

Sharpen your weapons of wisdom and discernment and speak.

Stir the pot.

Rock the boat.

Kill the false peacekeeper masked as spirituality but muting and mutilating the truth.

And so much more…

I sat in meditation and reflected on death and I asked my older self what I should do; to forgive and let go and move on? to speak or not speak? and she answered “I’d regret never saying anything and protecting yet another abuser and putting others in harms way by doing so. Speaking up against injustice is not harm, it’s point AT the harm. It’s an act of Love. It’s protection and you, my dear, need it more than you know. Forgiveness is not yours to give, that’s another lie. It’s given-for amends. Do not insert yourself in false forgiveness. That only enables them again. Let them act in a way that repairs the damages. Let go of needing to forgive. Forgive yourself by not speaking up sooner by speaking up now and amending YOUR behavior”.

I was uncertain so I kept inquiring and looking at each nook and cranny and facet and studying and asking therapists, mentors, sponsors, family, friends and spirit.

I saw more false spiritual stories aka curses emerge.

I was taught in zen traditions that “if you need to protect something, it’s your ego, and not your divine nature” aka “protection is wrong” and “ego is bad” and in my shadow work journeys I found how untrue it is ESPECIALLY when applied to abusive situations. IN FACT it sets us up to BE abused bc now “fighting back is “bad”. In therapy the talk about de-escalating, rarely is it taught to “protect yourself”.

They talk about “don’t be defensive”

but they never discern the difference between defensiveness as a non-helpful reaction to being held accountable versus defending yourself against false accusations.

Defense is demonized. Blame is too. Shame too. But we get massacred if we don’t have those parts in right doses and right contexts ie true shame that says “hey you’re out of alignment and in cognitive dissonance - get back in line” versus false shame that says “you’re not allowed to point out harmful behavior, that’s blaming and blaming is bad.

Learning to discern which is what is paramount and the bulk of the work I do daily with myself and guide others in 1:1 bc these subconscious stories and shadows run deeeeep in our psyches and it’s time we flush them up to consciousness and cast them out aka reprogram and reintegrate the truth.

There is an entire Pandora’s Box of stories ranging from “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” to “don’t tattletale” to “don’t bully the bullies they need our love the most” and even deeper when I was in a relationship in my teens and faced with someone who was deeply disturbed and enjoyed seeing my pain - I learned to hide it - and was good at it as someone who’s an athlete and former Tomboy who never needed anything from anyone,  i though to show discomfort or ask for protection was “petty” or at least I was told it was. It was simply honest.

There are a myriad of other stories that perpetuate the myths of “quiet as good” “being critical or loud as bad” but I’m sure you can think of a few. Maybe one day I’ll write the book because I’ve heard and lived them all.

But finally I’ll say, it seemed like weakness to say “hey, this person is hurting me” let alone open to more vulnerability and possible rejection by saying “I need your help, I need you to help me speak, to go to bat, to have my back, to slay a demon”. (But weakness isn’t bad and even though we might know vulnerability is strength, we don’t really embody it as a collective - yet). So I decided to show the process and “slay the demon”.

The “demon” being the lies being sold about what happened in the relationship.

The half-truths being offered as rational reasons for discarding me after making promises to change his harmful ways, stringing me along after I’d offered to end the relationship if this was “just how he was”, but he offered what seemed like at the time care, an honest attempt to do it differently, but looking back it was just more manipulations.

When I started speaking to these patterns and outlining it with context and details to avoid using confusing spirtual or therapeutic word salad and enabling tocxic therapy speech; the people around me offered him compassion without accountability aka “felt bad for him” enabling his abuse and the aforementioned stories which ends up making excuses for why he did what he did, how I should be quiet about it and just “take the hit and be tough” instead of simply saying the plain truth which is - you’re allowed to show your pain, he should not have done that, his actions are wrong not your emotions. Period.

And

He needs to clean up his mess.

Period. Period.

But I didn’t feel allowed.

Allowed to speak

A loud

The harms he delivered, quietly, covertly, passively,

And covered it with therapeutic logic used out of context

Spiritual phrase used toxically

And

They bought it.

I don’t blame them, they added to my harm, my cptsd, and I get it - just like I get him - and I too believed his misperceptions for a time.

It took me years to discern through nebulousness of his actions and words looking like they were lining up but not quite.

To see “is the mirror warped or am I”.

But I did.

And that was only the beginning.

Then I learned how to speak to it.in the relationship AND out of it.

Unravel from the trauma bond (that they are still in with him) which told me “he’s so nice, he helps others, he raises money for the UDVC, others are worse, he’s not that bad, he’s just human and has flaws, no one is perfect, he’s just avoidant, he’s just afraid, he’s just never been modeled love, he’s just….”

Anything but just what he was - emotionally and psychologically abusive but covering it with “nice guy screens”, other’s beliefs in him, spiritual platitudes, and emotional coercions like saying “I’m sorry I’m such a Dick to you” but only changing the behavior for a bit so you could let your guard down and trust and hope again and then,,, another energetic jab.

Condescension, dismissiveness, omissions,

Nothing you could point at,

But everything wearing on my sanity

Like water on rock. A water torturer. Mottled with hugs and kisses and home cooked meals.

Coercive Corrosive Indetectable

to most

Even I, who guide shadow work, meditation, yoga philosophy, psychology and more could not detect the “what is this, why is it so off”

Until I could.

Then there was no going back.

I needed help.

I asked for courage and sought it out.

A few stayed to hold me in my trauma and amplify my voice and the healing that came from finally speaking and responding and NOT sweeping another abusive story under the rug with “gratitude for my challenges” “survivor positivity platitudes” and doing “tough girl” “good girl” shit

No

I need Kali Ma shit

So

I called her in too.

She came

She saw

She conquered.

And today I carry her with me as an integrated piece of the divine femine, full of righteous anger, who saved the world by slaying the demons (the false stories of righteousness, and people perpetuating them which are cutting us off from our wholeness and humanness which includes FIRE and more)

but whose been demonized,

literally labeled a demon,

when she’s anything but.

She’s the D of the GOD - growth order destruction

She’s a mother.

She’s a savior.

And I savor her.

A special thank you for the amazing bday gift from the only dude I’ve ever known who loves Kali as much as I do. What a relief to feel there are men who protect women ACTUALLY and not just say it or call it “protection” when it’s actually misogyny and control. Or who call themselves feminists while being abusive to the women they claim to love.

Thank you to all who are the protectors.

Thank you to all who are spotting, calling out and speaking up against violence.

We need you.

Check my blog for one of the many story I wrote about her and to her “welcome to my Kali Ma days”

If your life has been upended and you’re going through trauma hell by no fault of your own, May she guide you through, cut the heads off the demons, rebirth and protect you too.