I weigh 170 pounds.
I am 41 years old.
It’s the oldest and heaviest I’ve ever been.
My gynecologist just informed me that I’m officially categorized as “overweight” by .05 percent.
And I’m finally not affected by these things. In fact I feel accomplished.
If 13 or 30 year old me would’ve heard these numbers she would’ve started crying at the sheer thought of it. I struggled with my image and body dysmorphia for most of my life. Occasionally I still do.
Today when I approached the scale I noticed the urge to strip off my boots and sweater so I could see the one less pound read on the register, I smiled at that urge, & reminded myself I no longer care about the scale’s opinion of me.
I stepped on the metal tray feeling like some piece of meat at the butcher shop and saw the 1 7 0 (which I’d projected I probably weighed by now according to the fit of my jeans) I happily remarked “Oooo, I made it! I achieved 170 for the first time in my life!” The nurse looked at me about to inquire about my weight loss journey and I quickly inserted “... it’s the most I’ve ever weighed... and I’m not worried, I look and feel great”.
Victory.
Not my weight, my mindset.
Ok both.
Yet she, as most people do, started in with “2020 weight gain” reassurance story of how it’s ok to have done so this year. While kind, I found it interesting that we (myself included) have less than brilliant ways to respond to each other when commenting about our bodies. If it were 2019 I wonder what she might’ve said. Often I hear “you’re getting older and it’s ok”. There’s alway “insert reason why” it’s ok, instead of simply “it’s ok” or better yet “not a factor as much as how do you feel?”
At some point I began curbing my body mentioning altogether. I saw how much energy it was taking concerning myself with looks. Trying to reassure myself “I’m good no matter what I look like” was hard enough let alone doing it for others too.
Each time I would post I wanted to explain away the parts I don’t prefer, just to let you know I’m aware I’m not perfect. Conversely I considered advertising them, point them out, as an inverse confidence builder but oddly enough the mention of my body either way; fat or thin, young or old, toned or flabby, wrinkly smooth scarred or blemish free is STILL a focus on my appearance AND I’m so much more.
So are you.
I see the new trends of women posting pictures of rolls to normalize them, yes we all need that message, and then, recognizing that even THAT is still hyper-vigilance of body image AND hopefully we can see deeper than JUST body altogether.
Don’t get me wrong, the body is a glorious brilliant beautiful vessel and honoring it is a huge part of my yoga/meditation/life practices but my honoring of it is rarely a focus on (OR denial of) its looks, more of its capabilities and its language. The art and magnificence of all of it.
To notice when I fixate on outer definition is my cue to simply remind myself “yes, you are human, beautiful and bizarre, artistic expression, regardless of your mind’s definition of your soul suitcase today” and I appreciate whatever perception is being experienced, then feel into the essence and light of who I am at my core. What I’m capable of, what I intend to do with this powerful container, what sensations I get to experience, because of my being in this body.
Beyond achieving an opinion of love or hate from myself or others there’s so much more to our containers we call a body. I get to see where it limits me. I begin to appreciate its mirror of my mind and continue to learn from it.
Exquisite and basic all at once and I remember, I am.
I simply am.
Ever changing ever evolving fluctuating and shifting.
Living, loving, hating, so very fleeting, and simply full of life and death in all its forms.
I finally stopped asking the scale what it thought about me and started deciding all by myself.
How do I feel? That’s my new “scale”.
When I can truthfully answer “I’m good” as in aligned, healthy, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally fit; the judgment of outward beauty falls away. The beauty within emerges. Outsides often follow suit.
When I notice a new fold or dimple I train my mind to think “oh isn’t that interesting” instead of “Oh crap gotta get to the gym or stop eating Oreos ...” etc.
And then yes, if I want to rein in my self discipline and go workout because I love my body and want it to be healthy and show it care, I go.
It’s never a punitive action anymore. I do it because I appreciate and want to maintain, be of service to my body, my energy, and take care of the gifts I’ve been given.
Even after all the “bodywork“ and reframing of my mind to see the positive/gratitude, sometimes I love my appearance, and sometimes still I’m disgusted by it.
That struggle to control the judgment in my mind is indefinite and endless. It’s a lose lose situation to try to ONLY love my body when the truth is I have both experiences often.
Forcing positive affirmations started having negative reactions because it was misaligned with the truth.
If you don’t like your body image today, that’s ok. You do not have to force positive affirmations on yourself.
That was detrimental for me in fact. Hearing my own disgusted thoughts and then shaming myself for not thinking positive saying “uh oh you can’t think that, your body is listening, you better reaffirm something loving” and then trying to hurry and fix it was just another reflection of my mind fixated on fixing and the WHOLE idea is to let it go BUT as the paradox goes, in trying to let go, we already miss the point.
Letting go is a NOT TRYING so IF you’re “trying” to let go you’re actually holding on to the idea of needing to let go.
You see?
If you’re “trying to love you body” sometimes it flips into hating that you can’t love it so just meet yourself right where you are. Whatever that thought or feeling is repeat “it’s ok”.
It’s ok if I don’t feel like I’m the most glorious version of myself in this moment. It’s ok if I feel anger toward myself for not always being aligned with my goals.
It’s ok.
Get neutral, observe, be right where you are.
Now you are present in truth.
From HERE you can expand and refine but if you can’t be here now...
that’s too is ok...
and see now... you are here ;)
What a brilliant trickster the mind is. It’s here to play that way sometimes to keep us on our toes and help us dance. We get so angry at it but it’s just doing it’s job.
Thanks to my hyper vigilant traumatized mind for bringing me the suffering that eventually leaned me toward grace and practice and the gift of greater and deeper awareness.
Where the outer and inner mirror limit me I can learn to appreciate and continue to learn from each reflection.
If you want to do some of this shadowwork/shadowplay message me for my 1:1 emotional alchemy therapy schedule. I’ll send you details. Books are full through February but I’m scheduling in March.
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