Its your birthday today. The night you died I was supposed to hang out with a friend.
I messaged her from the hospital where we’d all been sobbing for hours and told her things got a little chaotic and had to cancel.
I didn’t dare drop the real bomb. It’s just too much for any body to handle.
My body still can’t. It can’t understand the gravity of you leaving ours. Sudden death creates some kind of chasm that seems to accelerate either pulling people together or catapulting them apart. It's a phenomenon of physics I can't comprehend.
When our friend Caryn died, your Uncle and I were facing each other, ready to embark on a new chapter. And we did. It accelerated us in many ways. We lived many chapters.
6 years later when you died I was facing him but he didn’t know which way he was facing anymore.
That morning we’d had a hard conversation. It felt like more rejection and pulling away at my attempts for understanding, creating space and connection.
We pushed pause on the conversation because work was calling.
That night when he told me you’d been hit by a car I asked if he wanted me to come to the hospital because I truly didn’t know if he wanted me in his life anymore. I was ready to bow out. I was afraid he’d had enough and this would push him over the edge but he acted surprised when I asked if I should come which felt like a good sign.
I kept looking for signs because his messages were so mixed.
When I got to the hospital I did not understand the devastation I was walking into.
I felt completely helpless as I entered the room and saw your whole family surrounding you and then him on the floor collapsed at the sight of your lifeless body.
I froze.
My hands instantaneously shot upward covering my eyes and mouth to hold the screams and shield the horror.
The only thing that brought me out was an arm around me from your grandpa and locking eyes with your baby brother as we both rested our heads on his chest, face to face he stared longingly into mine matching my tears with his. Softly crying with me, he seemed otherwise unaffected and I wondered how tf we were all going to get through this.
We.
Am I a part of this family? The fact that I didn’t know struck me hard. I wondered if I belonged there in such an intense and intimate space with you and your family. I felt like an imposter, just your Uncle’s girlfriend whom he was currently ambivalent about and I hated it.
Then I heard your voice “you’re one of us now” you’d said it after a few months of knowing me. I’d forgotten your initiation. Everyone else called me Aunt Mikelle. I felt fully accepted by your family, just not always fully by your Uncle. I figured your invitation was enough to get over myself, our problems, and focus on how to be useful. I leaned in and showed up and grieved and loved and hugged and mourned and connected and supported your abrupt departure and upended family best I could.
I was facing in as the explosion of your death hit. I got more deeply connected.
I spent everyday for the next couple weeks and most of December at your family’s house. Grieving you and celebrating your family’s birthdays which all seemed to land in December. Your aunt and uncle announced their new baby.
I ate way too much free food from an entire community who just wanted to help.
I tried to be there for your Uncle which mostly felt like giving him space and not asking for anything, just offering quiet presence and freedom from prioritizing us and our issues.
I cuddled and played with your wiley lil brother and helped soothe his poor nervous system. I told your sister she can come give me hugs whenever she was missing you. She didn’t show much emotion but in that moment she burst into tears.
Mostly I offered pictures. My love language. My presents.
My presence.
Your uncle and I never finished that conversation. It hung over me for 3 months as the shock of your death shook everything important loose. It came back up in our 3rd therapy session. We never made it to the fourth one. I don’t think that was an accident.
I saw what was disconnected. I was more than willing to help it mend. I was even more eager to reprioritize the important pieces. Family. Connection. Vulnerability. Presence. Enjoying life. Less work and more love.
I still am. But in a completely alternate universe now almost 6 months later nothing is the same. Except the undercurrent of love holding it all.
They say love wins and I suppose in the long run it always does. But in the meantime I’m here missing you.
All of you.
And wishing it had the power to glue things back together now.
But I know that beyond this linear world sometimes subtraction equals addition and my mind can’t multiply the sum of this divide but I trust there’s some solution to it all.
The universal solvent. The great equalizer. Is love. And you did. And I do. And I will. Still. Always. For you.
Thank you for inviting me into you life. For your gift. Your presence in mine.
Happy bEARTHday Angel.
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