Obese

Obesity - In case you were wondering what it looks like… I’m “it”.

I stepped on a ‘special’ scale at the gym yesterday. The “first time was free” to see what your #bmi #fatpercentage #musclemass etc is. It’s fascinating. I watching the stories in my head as I read the results saying “omg I knew I’d gained weight but??? Wow” now that I was officially triggered by its analysis, it reactivated my inner drill sargent “time to lose all the weight, run 10 miles right f@king now, starve yourself for weeks so that by next time, for $15, it’ll give you its opinion of again and hopefully you’ll have “improved” and now,.. at last,.. you can feel ok about yourself” ;)

Not falling for it. Thank god I know enough not to believe that voice today, not to identify with it too closely, yet still understand why it’s showing up,.. it just cares about me,… it’s really bad at knowing how to care but I can see it just wants me to feel good.

That said - sometimes we get told that wanting to lose weight is bad and I just want to advocate again for our lovely discerning minds that can help us see that anything can be good/bad or neither - it depends on how we use it and with what intention.

So, the reason I even stepped on the scale was to have a starting point because there’s nothing wrong with tracking yourself and taking inventory as long as it doesn't start running my life like it used to.

I also wanted to check my fat percentage because the accumulation especially around by low abs is not feeling healthy.  I figured 30ish%, I was right. I’m already aware I’m classified as #overweight but the #obese ranking was fascinating.

And more importantly, the masterful way I walked through the trigger as read all the data on the app was validating to all the inner work I’ve been doing and guiding.

Apparently, I’m a #typec obese. I had no idea there were classes but according to someone’s measuring stick, I’m a #muscular #obesity 🤪#atheletic version of it.

This also used to be called #morbidlyobese … yes,… I - am what THEY used to call deathly #fat

Maybe deathly #phat ;) idk anymore cuz my eyes still can’t see the truth when they look in the mirror from years of #bodydysmorphia and #toxicdietculture and dance teams, coaches, boyfriends who warped my own vision BUT I DO know #idgafanymore what the #labels are.

I will say despite my #idgaf what the numbers say, I do care how I feel. Hiking was harder last year and I’m tired of feeling suppressed. I’ve sustained so many injuries (on all levels) and I AM so ready to move my body more, play hard again, and hopefully lose the 30 pounds I accumulated over the past 3-4 years when so many things shifted.

I went from walking miles per day as a server, playing softball, volleyball, yoga classes, boot camps, being outside often hiking climbing etc

-to

Working my ass off to build a business out of my #yogaphilosophy #mindfulness #meditation #emotionalalchemy #astrology practices (in the transition of a pandemic none-the-less) that required me studying or sitting in stillness and attuning to others’ needs 8-12 hours per day. Loads of time on screens doing the business backend yes but mostly the compassionate listening, channeling, transmuting energy, emotions, minds, and bodies left me zero energy to move my body after everything was said and done.

Plus my relationship stress, often feeling unsupported, neglected, tolerated or judged for breaking out of the societal boxes of #careers AND my #diet went to shit bc I did not prioritize food so I was eating out way more, over or under eating, mostly on his diet,… my body has very different needs and I #neglected many of them.

Except, I DID quit nicotine despite my fear of gaining weight from not having that “binky” (which was a whole spiritual practice in-and-of-itself)

PLUS I finally learned to #rest (recovering insomniac) which I have never ever in my life been able to do without a shit ton of drugs.

I also have multiple injuries which slowed me down as I learned to listen deeper to the tissues and unravel the emotional layer it required a 180 approach to the way I was responding to pain previously which was mostly to grin and bear it and push through. Injuries ranged from back traumas from previous eras, to repetitive motions and imbalances from serving for years, some from yoga, some from sports, some from walking into a pothole which was brilliantly placed on a crosswalk as I crossed the road in high heels on as I made my way to Hamilton 🤪 but through it all, and despite the weight gain, and physical recalibrations it was worth the pendulum swing and the lessons on either side of it.

I’ve reprioritized moving everyday - even just 15 minutes or a walk around the block or some kundalini yoga which in my old over achiever’s perfectionism was a laughable - not even worth it - kind of exercise, so I wouldn't do it unless it drained me - but I’m reprogramming how I move and what qualifies as “enough” in so many ways these days.  It’s been decades since I’ve had a basic gym membership and about a year ago I felt the call from my body saying “I just want to spin on an elliptical for an hour, not this high hitting kettlebell stuff please” and - even though I don’t like that my whole life got turned upside down to reconfigure where I workout and get me here - I AM finally back at that ;)

I’m changing my diet, still figuring out my routine in this temporary living space/kitchen as well as my relationship with food and how to help healthier options become more accessible so I can stop waiting until I’m starving and then eating the quickest thing available which was always something I didn’t want to be putting in my body. That’s a whole post in itself too.

There’s a million little shifts already and like I tell my meditators each morning, that’s what it’s all about, drops in the bucket.  It took me years to get here so I’m pacing my expectations as I walk back out of here.

It feels incredible to be recovering my physical layer. I’d been so attuned to the mental, emotional, spiritual and even though I noticed my body calling for me to move it and feed it in different ways, I just have gotten further off track here than ever before AND it’s ok. It’s understandable why other things were priority for so long AND thank god I’ve made enough space in my schedule AND the giant elephant of grief I just swallowed is mostly digesting AND my ground is being re-established, AND I’m finally feeling ready to put a larger percentage of my energy here.

So, back to my usual self! Stand by for yet another #transformation

PS I’m tired of #transforming but I suppose if I wanna be like all my fave #xmen I guess I’m getting great #practice

Cheers to all of our struggles and labels and stories. May we continue to challenge them with kindness and truth, continually allowing our many layers of learning as we all grow into and out ourselves multiple times in any given phase of life.