Did you know taking too much responsibility for your trauma can be a disorder/trauma response to cope called Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome among other things? More here https://www.facebook.com/share/C4kJZf3txodsmZ8R/?mibextid=WC7FNe
That is why hyper accountability in AA and other spiritual or #stoic circles can become #spiritualgaslighting #spiritualabuse if we are not careful
When I started healing mine in 2020 things got warpy with a lot of people and it was hard to see what was true. Ppl who have been abused often think THEY are the abusers because shit gets so flipped on them.
(Especially Ppl who’ve been in long term relationships w varied levels of NPD (6 years at 14-20, and another 6 yrs recently).
Even one of my closest friends recently accused me of being a narcissist for sharing hurts within our relationship and thinking I was just as abusive to my ex as he was me… bc I used to twist it on myself and tell it to her that way, she’d agree bc it seems she had the same wound so when I tried explaining this new healing layer and view to her she began to feel unsafe bc she thought I was lying when truly I’d found clarity and the previous view was the lie I was telling myself to hide from the pain of not being treated right. It didn’t fit for her, it was too late, she chose to see me as a liar, unbeknownst to me thought I was playing the victim and twisting the narrative, even though she told me differently to my face; she eventually turned on me (and rallied others to do so too) It was very painful (still is).
I chose to change sponsors bc my first one was very compassionate toward my ex, often saying “poor him, he’s struggling” which was true (and exacerbated my overly compassionate character defect) and not so much compassion for me or even just to say something as simple as “he’s being mean” which she finally did one day and my jaw dropped like “why haven’t you been saying THAT then? I’ve been over here thinking I’m the mean one or something is wrong w my perception- I’m crazy” 😮💨
Luckily I promptly got a new sponsor bc trust was broken w her (via personal agreement violations too within our bonds) at that point and I’d started to feel there were too many similar patterns within her as him (and that’s what was keeping me stuck).
I also got a business coach, a mentor and therapist, continued my studies and
Thank god my new sponsor (and all of the new mentors) could see clearly and helped me sort it out. It took many months of weekly check ins to unpack the truth. (That I didn’t want to see bc it meant it wasn’t my shit which meant I was again powerless).
My sponsor was the single most helpful person. She helped me through a handful of traumatic episodes where he was threatening abandoning the relationship just bc instances like I’d asked him to show up for things he’d agreed to show up for etc.
it would often ruin my weekend and I’d have moon ceremonies to hold and more while working through my own shit. Soothing my nervous system (which thank god I teach, but should never had to have been activated so often or get so much “grateful for the practice” at it as I tried to keep my spirits up and resentment clear.)
Waiting for his stonewall to thaw or for him to take accountability which he started to in the end but it was like pulling teeth.
I remember he said “you expect some heartfelt apology everytime I mess up”… I’m not expecting perfection no but like yes, if you hurt me, that apology would be fantastic, or at least basic accountability, it’s what I do for you, it’s what we do in this program, why is that such a chore for you?
The answer was bc he’d gotten away w sweeping it under the rug too many times in his life and so held a belief that it wasn’t necessary and *I was the problem for asking for his words and actions to line up.
And bc I believed I was the problem for so long, not only bc comparatively I’d had more trauma (and also done more healing) but also bc like this slide says, it kept me feeling powerful to think it. If I’m the problem I’m the solution… welp turns out it ain’t always true.
Please be mindful kids.
Being responsible is key, unless it’s not😵💫🥴🤪 too much or too little can hurt. We need mirrors mentors meditation and more to help us see the truths.
“Spirituality” can kill if you misuse and abuse it… just like anything.
Learning to blend spirituality humanness and rational with emotional honesty can save lives and does.
Thanks to all who helped me survive another traumatic chapter in my life.
PS can we be done getting caught in other people’s wounded webs yet? The tendencies of healers is to attract those who need it and thank god in 2020 I firmly delineated my partnership “healing” from clients. (Even tho we DO help our partners heal and i diligently walked that fine line but it seemed, according to him, I was always doing it wrong, too available and kind/mothering aka clingy, or if I took space I was irresponsible weird and too independent😮💨😵💫🙃) regardless It truly helped me stop overfunction. This time around I hope I never start. But I’m still grateful I caught it and healed it (even tho it ended the relationship… or he ended it bc I wasn’t doing it anymore).
Healing parts of ourselves exposes others and so it goes and so it goes.
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