40 was fine. Empowering so much was growing and beginning even though the world in 2020 was seemingly ending.
41 was questionable as I started to notice things in my relationship were not as they seemed
42 was exhausting, but I had Hope, n then I found out it was exhausting BECAUSE I had Hope
43 was devastating because Hope was broken. But Freeing because that Hope was broken. The grief and gathering pieces pushed apart was immense. Not that I hadn’t been through many tragedies and recoveries before, but never fully sober and awake and feeling it fully all at once like that.
44 was an ever moving ground of things coming and going mostly friendships. Seeing people neutral toward my situation was understandable and more heartbreaking than anticipated but still I wove play and adventure into the grieving in order to complete the healing.
45 here we are betch… what will you hold? What will you bring?
Will you help me sing again?
I lost my voice those past few years. Other than this soft meditative guide, and don’t get me wrong. I love that one, but I miss the one that can belt it out.
So 44 I practiced.
Lotta people didn’t like it.
A lot of friends.
Friends who supported what they call peace, not realizing whose peace they were supporting… One hint, it wasn’t mine.
I got to practice letting more go
I got to practice holding on and fighting for the parts of me who have never been fought for
I got to practice, keeping cultivating the ones who could hear
I got to practice speaking, even though the ones who couldn’t hear wouldn’t and letting go of the idea that they should.
It was as Rumi says “life is a delicate balance of holding on and letting go”.
I often tell people as I’m guiding “the deeper reason that we speak is not so we can be heard by the other, but so we can be heard by ourselves, our deepest cells, and the universe. Speaking is a powerful magic, regardless of who hears it”
Of course, we want to be heard and understood and received and embraced. But that parts not always up to me, in fact it never is.
There’s a lot to be grateful for, there’s a lot to grieve, I continue to do both.
Today feels somber
A Monday
A Pisces moon day
Set the tone for my year ahead
Last year, it was a libra moon that started my sun cycle it was full of friends, beginnings and ends of friends. Social, airy, communicative. I wrote and wrote and wrote. The pain is written it is processed and purged metabolize and now I want to organize it. A book perhaps, an anthology more like.
This year a Pisces vibe,
An eclipse at that
Promises to be
inward and reflective hidden
Full of compassion, boundless love
Confusion delusion
Imagination and dreams
And more exponential transformation littered with surprises hopefully the good kind
And definitely more singing, writing and poetry and music
45 and I’m alive
Still
Learning to thrive
Cheers to the years ahead.
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