8 years of Sobriety; finding infinity

Not pictured, me 8 years ago, mostly dead, rotting away in my bed waiting for my drug dealer and/or my doctor (same diff) to call me back so I could pick up the “medicine” I needed to survive my:

Chronic back pain

Insomnia

Anxiety

Depression

Extensive trauma that stuck me in survival mode for decades

& most painfully

The broken abusive relationships w people who couldn’t show up for me that I continued to poke and prod at to be different (more loving and more responsible) instead of accept their ending so I continued to be retraumatized by their abandon, betrayal and ghosting.

My only way to self-soothe was drugs (& yes alcohol is a drug;)

Me, a capable-successful-athlete-artist-scholar-business person-x Mormon turned spiritual healer, drugged herself to oblivion and near death to escape the pain of her life for decades and could not/did not want to stop despite the continuing destruction of her.

10/7/14 marked 8 years of sobriety and living life on life’s terms continues to astonish.

1995 it started out all fun & games, as w/ most, but by 2014 I was decimated, beyond indifferent to living or dying after decades of emotional physical mental & spiritual anguish, continually trying to chase it away - one day I’d regained consciousness from overdosing and discovered I’d slid off the bed. My head on the ground, hips propped directly on top of me, neck twisted and I couldn’t feel anything. Through the fog of my consciousness the thought hit “…I’m not going to die, I’m going to be paralyzed and then I’m really fucked”. And though that thought alone was not enough to jolt me into change, it was one more of the million god shots it took to get the scales to tilt from “IDGAF, leave me be” to “maybe I could accept some help”.

I have a thousand stories like this.

The dis-ease of alcoholism is #cunningbafflingpowerful

Today science can explain a lot of what breaks in the mind but I’ve discovered awareness (aka god consciousness) is key because

As soon as you think you understand it, it mutates

The same goes for #ego, the #mind #body

Blessings/lessons,

God,

Life,

Love.

#yogibhajan said if you can’t see god in all you can’t see god at all…

#aa says “God is either Everything or Nothing”

GOD stands for

Growth

Order

Destruction (the Hindu godhead, Brahma the Creator, Vishnu the Preserver, and Shiva as Judge)

If God is everything, God IS also fear and anger and pain and death. We need death yall. Because I couldn’t let go, cut off, die to my ideas, I almost died.

Some of this might seem contradictory to AA lingo,

But it’s not,

“Anger is a dubious luxury” yes, however these things are not separate from and bad

And although I DO believe they keep me blocked from the sunlight of the spirit at times,…

(That too is necessary

I need day and night

Connection and disconnection

Like any good art piece the shadow and light create the dance.)

…sometimes they get me closer to it.

In humility.

The shadow informs the light.

Pain gets awareness’s attention.

If I turn toward it instead of away from it, now I’m present.

God is Presence.

“…may you find him Now” is literal for me

although I choose to insert IT for HIM when I read that big book, it continues to mutate and reveal more each time I do.

My consciousness continues to shift and with it so does my reality.

When I was first sober none of that would’ve been useful information because my mind/body/spirit was so scrambled I would’ve mis-taken it as permission to be an angry jerk and continue ruining my life because “it’s all useful” and honestly I still hear plenty of people use that phrase as a way to spiritually bypass their hurt of themselves and others

I recently saw a quote that said;

“I will inspire some,

Trigger others,

Both are magic”

And while I agree, most people take it as I mentioned above, careless rather than care-full of their effect on others because “we’ll learn something, people are resilient, triggers are teachers”, AND again yes, but finding the line between being accountable for your catalyst in it and not taking on other peoples’ often necessary struggle is a continual practice.

It’s a problem I see a lot of in AA.

In yoga communities and spiritual circles.

In life.

I have seen so many leave AA because of its radical accountability which leans into toxic independence and spiritual bypassing sometimes BUT they miss their part, and being the change they wish to see, by continuing to show up in the rooms, stopping the over use of spiritual axioms and coming back to humanness; radical compassion and heart felt holding of space for others who are experiencing difficult emotions rather than saying “welp, looks like you’re triggered, that’s YOUR problem”.

I was guilty of this in early sobriety.

I made amends as I realized how harmful that language can be.

(Even with my best intentions to help them see the truth.)

Compassion plus awareness is paramount.

Truth does not have to be harsh.

I CAN help you with your feelings without becoming codependent.

Interdependence is an on going practice for me today.

I found those toxic independent/codependent pattern in my personal relationships these last couple years.

I had practiced “serenity to accept the things I cannot change” so deeply I felt unfuckablewith on so many levels; I was the dog in the room of fire meme and it felt powerful until I saw the insanity of me JUST “being ok” with everything.

I continued to get nudged or sometimes fully triggered and I was shown (by my therapist and sponsor) my blind spot/character defect was me spiritually bypassing myself and taking on too much responsibility, cleaning my side plus theirs, the deeper honesty and fear that accompanies truth; that after acceptance comes courage to change. (Like why isn’t the dog putting out the fires after that acceptance🤪🫣😆)

Which for me meant “Speak up”.

Know and state my needs.

Ask others to meet me.

Accept rejection from some,

Support and reciprocation from others.

“courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference” deepened for me this year.

Being more vulnerable with my fear of abandonment and rejection.

Dropping my arrogance, getting humble and admitting I still have it helps me embrace it.

I actually reclaimed my needs and am seeing the nuance between neediness/self seeking vs having basic needs.

Between listening to my small self, my selfishness, inner child ego, and honoring it without letting it consume me or run the show.

The deeper ways to Truth meaning authenticity and alignment with MY core values, finding others who are congruent, not making excuses for hurtful/abusive behavior just because I understand their values doesn’t mean I have to be in relationship with them.

It also doesn’t mean I hate them.

Compassion and boundaries- kindness and truth- and how to walk with both.

The difference between fear that keeps me stuck in insanity and fear that keeps me safe and IN sanity.

Fear-less but not void of fear.

Fear is my friend. My teacher.

And just because AA generally teaches a less nuanced version of this DOES NOT mean it’s wrong, it’s just a beginning, of course it’s incomplete. Everything is.

In fact, they state it clearly “we admit we know only a little”, “more will be revealed”,

Step 11 says CONTINUE to expand our conscious contact w spirit.

People in AA who find outside/additional spiritual practices are often looked down on, seen as moving away from AA, shamed, and they leave.

I say they’re practicing step 11.

I want them to come back and share it.

My step 11 today is in everything I do. And today for me more than ever my spiritual expansion is also deepening my humanness.

Getting a therapist was step 11.

Switching sponsors was step 10, 11.

Getting a business coach to help me rewire the background of my offerings was 10,11,

this post is 12.

Carrying the message, practicing the principles is also in honoring this body and mind/ego/shadow as well as my soul/light/spirit.

Spirit/God includes all.

Thank god “no ONE person speaks for AA” because I would’ve left a long time ago.

Thank god they clearly say “to thine own Self be true”, “look to see where other religions are right”, “principles over personalities” and so much more to give us permission to disagree, to not just accept as in ‘believe others’ but to have our own experiences.

They say watch for resentment and I’ve cleared resentment for AA itself a hundred times.

Today acceptance alone is NOT the answer to all my problems. Most translate accepting to mean “do nothing”, but it simply means “this is the truth” and sometimes it’s a problem that DOES need fixing. Acceptance of the truth IS the FIRST step to the answer. But then it continues. Often with a redirection to

courage

and wisdom.

I got to return to my Alaska roots this year. The first time I’d been back before my life turned upside down. Alaska never saw me wasted.

I felt renewed by it pristine country.

Like my pure nature met its.

Like the moon over the ocean reflected in its calm, seeing myself again for the first time.

While we were there, we read our horoscopes, mine said I had a rebellious streak… James exclaimed “you’re not a rebel?!” I retorted “running away at 15, throwing my life away, recovering from a hopeless state of mind and body, rebuilding from scratch is not rebellious?”

But in AA I’m a cliche.

Because we do this on the daily👇🏼

“Should we all confess our sins to one another we would all laugh at one another for our lack of originality. Should we all reveal our virtues we would also laugh for the same cause.” ~Khalil Gibran

Today if I’m a rebel it’s because I stay.

In relationships and A.A.

I work hard, love soft, and reinvent myself often.

The greatest rebellion is love.

And I am.

💕💝💗💝💕

PS - I shared more on a podcast with FTR last July and I never told anyone - so I’m telling now, and if you want a fuller listen to the journey here’s the linkhttps://open.spotify.com/episode/2x387CK7MXMTCwW693chyI?si=GO22-rLESdySSdqZXfCHZg

You can hear other’s individual stories in their Pillar Talk podcast and reach out if you’re struggling you’re not alone.