I spent so long making love to the moon and shadows I forgot about the sun.
Happy #fullmoon #sagittarius go to @pulse_on_wholeness for a lil #fullmoonritual
I’ve been filling journals about what I’m #integrating and #embodying deeper through this heartbreak & here’s just a few things I’m letting go of during this lunation:
~People who not only can’t hear me when I #apologize but additionally have a hard time owning their part and apologizing back - yet can be admirably accountable, apologize and amend their behavior fully for others so they are seen as a #goodguy to outsiders - but not aligning that same behavior consistently for their most personal important relationships.
~Being confused by that hot/cold behavior as the one good deed seemed to excuse the reality of the other.
~The story that kept me saying “I know he’s capable, I see him do it all the time for others. I chose him BECAUSE I saw this in him. He’s done it a few times for me and it took work but we got there.”
~My inability to be 100 clear about that need for consistent accountability and reciprocity by expressing this to him AND others “I know you didn’t mean to,” and instead of letting his explanation of that be a ‘sufficient’ apology I added “and I still feel hurt, I need you to acknowledge/apologize for that hurt & do it differently in the future”.
~People who rarely hear me.
Often criticize my clear communication as #therapizing
Often sabotage and build a stonewall of contempt instead of expressing their needs and feelings clearly.
~I’m no longer available for that #emotionalimmaturity #volatility that made me think i had an #anxiousattachment when really I was quite secure in my attachment style, I just didn’t realize that feeling insecure around a volatile person and his uncertainty in the relationship, was ok and normal, not insecure attachment.
~No more people who are MORE prone to argue, attack, blame shift, invalidate, or gaslight me when I tell them my feelings, needs, or experience & how I’ve been harmed.
~No more people who won’t listen to understand, be curious yet compassionate if they don’t understand.
Who aren’t validating, relational team players.
Who wont or can’t maturely express any disagreements, compromises, hurts & views.
We all mess up occasionally, it’s not a hard line, but I’m upgrading my definition of what “occasionally” means because I saw I was again overly compassionate towards him and under compassionate toward myself.
~I’m letting go of too much compassion as I see now it hides cowardice and/or a lack of safety either with the other through enabling codependency, or within yourself.
~No more people who are back and forth for YEARS about being ready for #intimacy and then #sabotage because their systems are overloaded and can’t/won’t learn something different to heal it.
~My over tolerant nature for indecisiveness
~People who make more space for emotional connections to others but won’t consistently make or instigate the same depth of connections for me.
~I’M LETTING GO OF ALL THE REMAINING SLIVERS OF ME, CONSCIOUS OR UNCONSCIOUS THAT KEEP ME DISTRUSTING MY READ OR OVERLY PATIENT COMPASSIONATE OR TOLERANT OF THIS BEHAVIOR INSTEAD OF STANDING UP FOR MYSELF BY CLEARLY AND KINDLY EXPRESSING MY NEEDS SOONER RATHER THAN CONTINUING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR OTHERS TREATING ME POORLY.
~Letting go of letting it happen even “just a little” -minimizing #passiveaggressive #microaggressions and subtle #rejections because “I’m a tough cookie and don’t have needs or feelings, I’m fine, and will just be a #nicegirl not #tooneedy , or wait til he’s recharged to bring it up or just let it go and focus on the positive.”
Those coping mechanisms are not entirely “bad”, some of us need to practice MORE of those exact lines, but I over used them.
~Letting go of #coolgirl #chillgirl and #goodgirlprogramming 1000 percent.
~Letting go of the story that says “self-seeking is the root of our suffering” to which I carefully removed all my “need” buttons like any straight A spiritual student might, attempting to become “completely detached of desire” knowing that “wanting leads to suffering” and therefore spiritually gaslighting myself to think others were right about my “wanting to connect” being a “Mikelle problem” for so long when really it was just a basic human need.
~Letting go of me bypassing it with spirituality (mine, his, AA, Mormons, and more).
~Shedding the blind spot that kept me from seeing that #spiritualbypass “not needing anything” or thinking I shouldn’t was actually the cause of the suffering, neglect, and abuse. Not the “having needs” or asking for them to be met part (even though that CAN be out of balance for some and become “neediness”, that is not the case for this one).
~Letting go of thinking I’m too needy for wanting consistent connection, desire, intimacy, commitment and love.
~Letting go of the story I was told that my feelings and needs were only a “Mikelle problem” and my inability to see that it wasn’t. At least not in the way suggested. It WAS in the way that I needed to give myself permission again to want things, have boundaries, express desires and ultimately to feel safe enough to be vulnerable. To ask for things and possibly not get them or have hard convos about them but risk it for the deeper sides of love.
There are so many stories like this but to sum up I get to own and #reprogram the other million stories that others gave me and I told myself to disillusion the facts and #overfunction in #toxicpositivity #toxicspirituality
The small/personal truth is we both have parts and experiences and sides of the coin.
Mine is the victim side.
His is the villain side.
We had the same wounds
Manifested differently
&
The BIG Truth is
Both are “right” and valid in their own ways
&
I get to share my side even though I understand his. Instead of sticking up for him (which actually protects me from admitting all of the above inventory and getting vulnerable with that deeper accountability and truth.)
I get to say it hurt, even though I know he didn’t mean it to. He didn’t NOT mean it too and that’s why this, in the end, didn’t work.
~And that said I’m letting go of people who are only half aware or half willing to be aware of who they are affecting with their behavior and take that into stride before they act.
I was willing to do the work to deepening our connections within the intimacy of having needs expressed, getting more vulnerable, exposing ourselves and weaknesses.
And he was not.
He didn’t believe that practice would keep us together.
He believed it would be too hard.
He may have been right. For himself it was at least, but what a bullshit thing to do to your partner willing to hold space for you for 6 years and finally when it's time to do the work she's been patiently waiting for you to do, that you volunteered treatment for and gave her false hope about, and then one day bc she was breathing too loud you rip the rug out.
As the saying goes “whether you think you can or you can’t - you’re right”
And that's the definition of sabotage or success in a nutshell.
~And finally I get to let go of people who are not able/willing to believe in love and truth.
Who aren’t committed to seeing or understand me consistently
~The part of me trying to hold so much space for that misunderstanding and teaching others how to treat me
I’m ready to let it be as he said “not this hard to do a relationship”… for me.
Seeing ultimately some are on a different timeline, with different priorities, pacing, and abilities to see solutions and face their shadows and depth like I am.
~I lovingly, with grace and gratitude for the mirrors and brick walls that gave me an option to face myself yet again, let you all go.
I’m not better than you, I’m just - as Trevor Hall sings- “in a different room”.
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