‘Blue is darkness made visible.’
Grief is blue
So is the sky
Winnie blue, to be precise
You were with me in St. George
It always reminded me of you and your family since you always took frequent trips and played your soccer tournaments there.
Your mom is finally posting all the pictures of you. My heart can barely take it as I think of hers too.
As I was hiking, I saw your name carved into a rock.
This is not a metaphor.
I’d happened upon as I meandered around the cliffs and waterfalls choosing a strange path to boulder down to another landing scape.
At the bottom of the scaffolding stones I felt a strange texture under my hand and as I lifted it to see, it read “Winnie was here” and then a later etching that said “and still is, RIP”.
And when I say you were there with me, that too, is not a metaphor.
I was praying and grieving and purging so much, I needed help and support and I was tired of talking to people and journaling about it so I called in spirit and yours came to hold my hand.
But you were older and wiser and told me things like this is just a moment in eternity. You don’t need to save your relationship or him from his pain or shame or even yourself and your giant heart from wanting to; from any of this. You are all already saved, whole and perfect, and so is this moment. You have a whole life to live and fuller heart to give than he could receive. You gave what you could and it is all good. Let it be. Live the life in front of you and trust more will be revealed. It is all seamless even in the disconnected darkness and discomfort there is its opposition and omnipresence weaving it together.
Honestly I resist the message at first. I already know it, I live it. It’s too easy and poetic. It’s too spiritual and ethereal. But I welcome the resistance too and it all flows through. I hear “ I can do both, be held by spirit while I continue searching for the use of these tragedies and what else within the mystery and unknown wants still to be known.”
I know at least there is more than I know, and what I know I’ve expressed it in so many ways, like spirit in its many forms has expressed it to me - and I’ll say it again and again because so many still need to hear; darkness, confusion, grief, anger, shame and the like are so necessary. Not even “a necessary form of evil”, just another form of good. Of God. IF we know how to listen and let it go to work FOR us and THROUGH us rather than pushing against it.
Live-eviL; it’s just a reflection of life, the point is to turn back to the thing reflecting it - us. I’m still seeing and learning to sense what lives in the infinite dark. I know more will be revealed as I continue healing and listening to calls or my cries.
Like any good work of art or music or poetry, there are breaks and layers and levels and textures and warped wonky things,… empty spaces.
Any good movie or book, this is the character quirks and development and vulnerability that connects you to them.
Anger and resentment are like this and CAN keep us safe. Yes stuck and blocked too, but the wall is there because we are not ready to be vulnerable and exposed. We don’t trust the softness and goodness of what’s underneath. Emotions like sadness and even love can feel so scary. Anger can protect us from sadness. Shame can protect us from joy. Until we learn to trust love and joy we will choose anger and shame. And as much as I understand this, in fact BECAUSE I understand this it makes it hard to walk away. This is the part where “good” is actually “bad”; sometimes having solutions is actually harmful - this is the warping and reflection.
I can not control what anyone else chooses or is ready to trust or love or commit to. And it can not be forced or rushed or more walls build. More trust erodes. So I get to learn again and again to let go of helping others with their walls, even in the name of love, unless invited, unless there is willingness, I am powerless to help and they are powerless to change.
I’m contemplating this pattern of mine over and over like a rake in the soft sands of a zen garden as I drive to a yoga class.
I think of you for some reason I can’t remember now but I’m suddenly unable to drive because of the tears. A memorialized mixture of being powerless to give my love and of losing him and you and everyone in your family - my human experience and suffering resurfaces and I ask for help to steady so I can let it come
The light turns red,
I come to a stop,
I let it all go.
Through my bleary teared up sunglass lenses I see the license plate in front of me “trublu5” and I cry harder because you were.
Through my whimper I hear the words resounding from a strange new artists’ song I randomly chose to explore:
“Though we made it down the interstate
I feel my heart begin to break
Is this choice or is it fate by fate?
Maybe we were right
It was good to say goodbye
"Happy ever after" doesn't last
We both knew it was time
To leave those times behind
Let's hope that down the road
We'll cross our paths
So, we could look back and laugh”
And I hear “laugh like Winnie” and I glanced at my wrist where I wear your white band that says the same slogan.
So I do, laughing and crying and driving and trying to gather myself before I let it all go again in the hot yoga class.
What a sight to see, and I’m glad your spirit was there with me in some intangible thought form capacity but also vividly in front of me within me and all around.
Witnessing me. Thank you. I miss you. I love you. Always.
Grief is darkness becoming light.
Like laughter and levity and blue skies. #winnieblue
Grief is just you.
Love.
Coming to say hi.
Choice and fate dance on in destiny.
They are not separate.
It is all part OF the mystery
we know
as life.
When we die we become God. We “meet God” as they say. We become the ocean.
So for now, I’ll just be in the mess and message of me. Riding the waves, crashing, getting pulled into the undertow surrendering, resurfacing, and crawling to shore,… then going back for more.
Lov - e - vol -ves
“Blue protects white from innocence
Blue drags black with it
Blue is darkness made visible
Blue protects white from innocence
Blue drags black with it
Blue is darkness made visible
…the command of essence: Thou Shall Not Create Unto Thyself Any Graven Image, although you know the task is to fill the empty page. From the bottom of your heart, pray to be released from image.
Time is what keeps the light from reaching us.
The image is a prison of the soul, your heredity, your education, your vices and aspirations, your qualities, your psychological world.
I have walked behind the sky.
For what are you seeking?
The fathomless blue of Bliss.
To be an astronaut of the void, leave the comfortable house that imprisons you with reassurance.
Remember,
To be going and to have are not eternal – fight the fear that engenders the beginning, the middle and the end.
For Blue there are no boundaries or solutions…”
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