Gaslighting ourselves to think their abuse is only OUR inability to receive love

I did this to myself

My old sponsor reinforced the same narrative

So did a couple old friends

So did he

I thought just wasn’t ready to rcv love… the truth is the love wasn’t there or it was minimal and inconsistent coupled w passive aggressive dismissals etc and when I finally got a new sponsor and therapist to validate I wasn’t crazy or incapable of Rcvd love it was a long journey back out of that compounded trauma cave.

When I got crystal clear, was no longer able to be manipulated into believing it was just my perception, he acted like he was gonna take responsibility and change, instead he abruptly ended it one morning after he blew up at me for breathing too loud.

Because I understood how breathing can be annoying I made excuses for his absurd reaction and

I STILL found my brain so groomed and broken I went back and forth as to wether it really was just me. Like I provoked it all.

I tried saying it was and it broke me further. Things like “my soul planned this and it’s right on time and purpose and I need more compassion for him and he’s just finally telling the truth” and more ways to bypass the actual truth of his abuse abandonment lack of accountability and injustice and the pain I’d need to digest bc of those trauma bombs. I saw the falseness in the “higher mindedness” keeping me from being human, all well intended but still a lie, so I prayed for courage to be honest, to awaken from delusions, to help me see the truth. I didn’t like seeing and feeling how badly I’d been treated and glossed over it w hope and understanding. How I wanted to just let go, call it good, a love lost but still love, and keep it beautiful. But it wasn’t and me doing that was part of my narcissistic abuse syndrome and grooming, so when I saw the ick of my niceness, I stopped.

It was a month after and I’d moved out and finally felt safe to got loud on sm

and As I unraveled from that old story of keeping sweet and stable among a hundered  others again and again reprogramming and healing that old wound finally began seeing and saying the truth, I got bombarded by others telling me I was wrong. Some were close friends.

They were still under the same grooming that I was and I understood but I was deeply wounded again by them.

I tried to explain, it got worse. Those friendships ended. More rejection on top of rejection and it was incredibly difficult to not gaslight myself with the phrases “I’m creating this, I’m just not able to rcv love” and more when really, again, it wasn’t me, my inability, it was theirs. I know we all have responsibilities in communication but I was offering mine and they weren’t receiving it. It’s so important to see this difference of their indifference and not shame ourselves for their shit. Nor force them into a different space of understanding with it. Letting go after so many attempts (followed by one extreme attack) was v difficult but not new to me. My whole life I’ve practiced the unfortunate art of dissolving friendships and significant for a myriad of reasons.

On the other end,

I also had many who validated I did nothing wrong. Many ppl said in fact I had done everything beautifully and cleanly and had no part to clean up. I was so afraid my speaking up would hurt people and I continued to see how much that was miswired in myself and in the world. It was so deeply engrained it's taken all year to continuously reprogram and reparent the parts of me who were shamed for standing up, speaking out, and seeing clearly it was not my inability to receive, it was theirs, and they weaponized it, and it's not ok, and it's ok for me to say ALL of that without fear that I'm a "bad guy" or doing what they did to me. I can't tell you how many times I had to check in with others, with god, and remind "calling out abuse is not abuse" repeat it often.

"You're not always projecting or misperceiving their inability to love and the gaslighting they add to cover it. You are reading that correctly."

Thank god for these practices and ppl who helped me heal from so much complex trauma and breaking of my body mind heart.

And fuck you to those who thought they knew what I was experiencing or needing to heal and how better than me.

THANKYOU for helping me integrate my fuck you.

The end ;)