Taking ownership can be a trauma response for abuse survivors

(I’m referencing a video, watch then read, link at the bottom)

I used to be like Peter. It took me a lot of pain and suffering and contemplations with hard truth pills that I did not want to swallow, feeling deeply into my emotions such as grief and rage, to understand what Josh is saying.

My work revealed many realizations which i cant express aptly in these screens but do go into much detail w my 1:1 clients

but one of the biggest realizations was that by me saying “my trauma or being w an abuser partner was my choice”, or inserting any other spiritual philosophy or psychology that tried to soften or shift the perspective to a degree that warped it,

i was perpetuating a toxic cycle 😓🫠😞 when I thought I was doing exactly the opposite. A.k.a., I thought I was helping. I thought I was doing the right thing and taking ownership and giving grace, etc. etc.

And of course taking ownership is great… when it’s actually your ownership to take but sometimes we are usung spiritual psychology to gaslight ourselves and/or are gaslighting others with narratives like the ones in the video.

Who can relate?

I found it was a trauma response and an inverted way that victims/survivors of abuse try to maintain any semblance of sanity.

But the truth is, abuse at its core doesnt make sense bc it stems from a disconnection from mind/body/spirit which is another way to say abusive ppl are insane.

And insanity

doesn’t

make

sense.

I had to stop trying to make sense of some thing that was nonsensical because that was what was making me crazy.

My brain was broken by trying to make sense of someone else’s cognitive dissonance.

This is what we call psychological abuse.

I used to say jokingly “the only part of me that’s crazy as a part of me that thinks I’m crazy“. Little that I know how true that was.

By me saying that I chose relationships with men that were abusive, (via phrases like, “thoughts create reality, we attract what we are or need” etc) I was bypassing a deeper truth with spiritual language a.k.a. #spiritualbypassing

When others say this, it is a form of victim, blaming, and victim shaming. Our entire construct around the word victim needs a reprogramming.

Josh touches on it in this video, but there’s so much more to say for another time.

The deeper truth?

Saying that I or my soul chose to be abused, kept me in a false sense of security, believing that I had power over what was happening to me on some level.

The harder truth?

I am not responsible for someone else’s decisions, lies, manipulations, distortions; especially when I have communicated kindly and clearly, stated healthy needs, help secure boundaries and still was made to believe, by sometimes very believable acts and words, that this person really meant what they were saying, only to find out that

it

wasn’t

true.

I am deeply powerless when it comes to manipulative, abusive people choosing -or being out if their mindbody enough- to abuse.

I am, however, deeply powerful when I finally admit this.

Admitting powerlessness often brings us to power.

As long as we are applying powerlessness and humility properly. When we use these terms in the wrong context or doses, we run the risk of arrogance, #spiritualnarcissism and or false humility, which is the inverted form of the same.   

True power in the form of choice and a deepening of love for ourselves,

and the reality of the inherent chaos of the world that is not and was not and will never be ours to control.

As peter mentioned some ppl are doing their best with their level of consciousness

but

we dont use that to bypass the harms they’ve caused us or others or themselves,

So when applied to abuse, that narrative becomes part of the abuse cycle. Putting the weight on the victim to understand and let go rather than relieving them of the burden.

The only thing we need to do in those situations is to continue to hold the perpetrators accountable.

Let them know they’ve caused pain, wether consciously or not,

And trust they can do better,

(That doesn’t mean we stay in relationship it just means we don’t use “forgiveness” or worse, take their response-ability and karma for them by saying “i chose this” or to say “I forgive, its ok” when its not and when they haven’t made amends).

but

When they choose not to do better or clean up their messes, that is the deeper heartbreaking reality

And

that extra heartbreak is exactly what I needed to surrender to.

Learning to grieve a deeper more raw and uncontainable truth,

some people are so disconnected,

and there is nothing we can do about it, except to develop the courage to be honest about it,

point at it,

and pray that those without the level of consciousness to discern their own harmful, actions will eventually come to consciousness ,

as well as continue to love ourselves,

and those who are willing to receive it,

and then let go of the rest.

Learning to discern when to lean in and speak up and when to lean out - usually it’s both; speak up in truth and kindness, then let go of what happens next.

So remember:

Some people are both “doing their best” and can do better but may need us to name it, so they can become gentle aware or uncomfortable enough to look deeper.

Others truly arent doing their best, they’re using that as an excuse to remain stagnant.

And still, others are constitutionally incapable, but their only chance is if we push back instead of digesting it with spiritual psychology and mental/emotional gymnastics instead of simply calling it out.

We must learn to discern.

belle hooks reminds us to lead with this intention and inquiry,

“How can we hold people accountable without destroying their humanity?”.

I hope you will continue to lead and balance these two qualities of the right sized fight, truth, and love.

To continue to find where you hide from the truth, especially in narratives that sound so good, they even make us feel good, because they disconnect us from a harsher reality.

And honestly, that’s understandable.

I will even say some people need this at least for a time, similar to harm reduction ideologies.

However, ultimately, I pray that all beings awaken to the whole and full, sometimes very painful and difficult to digest, truth. When we can all do this, we will know what they always call, Sat Chit Ananda; truth, consciousness, and bliss.

This is the work I guide in one on one alchemy. Go to mikellepoulson.com or

Send me an email if you would like to know more details.

mikellepoulson@gmail.com

Much love and gratitude Josh Connolly and others who continue to speak about these tricky terrains and labyrinths within our healing journeys.

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