Reflecting on a lake about an abyss

It’s been a brilliant but long dark season of healing. The last 3 years after being “tossed back into the abyss”

Which is just a poetic euphemism for being mistreated on repeat aka emotionally and psychologically abused; then discarded because you wouldn’t betray yourself or let it go unchecked without real change; then painted as a person “having a hard time with the breakup” aka gaslit and smeared; adding to the abuse, rather than the person who harmed me finally putting a stop to it by owning their misdeeds, clearing my name, and cleaning up their mess aka making full amends for damages during AND after the relationship.

I use that poetic phrasing for the same reason most do, to soften the harshness of reality.

I used to do that for those who harmed me, aka protected them from their shame.

TBH it also saved me discomfort bc I didn’t have to witness them feeling bad for hurting me.

I also didn’t have to worry about people, judging me as being a “victim“ as if being harmed by somebody is somehow my fault, I didn’t have to worry about people thinking I had misjudged him or misperceived my situation or hadn’t done my work and seen my part, etc. etc. I didn’t have to worry about explaining the nuances of abuse, the depth, the gravity. I didn’t have to worry about people feeling uncomfortable when I told the truth.

And all of that also saved me from being uncomfortable, saved me energy… Or so I thought… But when you really look at it, my energy was being spent, regardless. I was uncomfortable, no, I was devastated, regardless.

So I spoke.

I didn’t soften the edges. I left them raw and jagged and real.

People didn’t like me.

And that’s OK.

Because I had decided that being loyal to the truth was more important than people liking me.

That was the act of staying in integrity and impeccability, and that is how I regained my confidence and wholeness.

Isn’t that ironic.

The way we try to save ppl and ourselves from reality sometimes is so backwards.

And

It’s understandable bc most of us don’t have the capacity, we’ve never practiced, we have been programmed to do this from a v young age in a myriad of ways for a plethora of reason but ultimately they are all bullshit.

That said,

Pacing and softening is sometimes necessary bc it all boils down to capacity.

However,

The reminder is

Don’t avoid or save ppl from their suffering, they need it for their evolution. Or as Ram Dass says “suffering is a vehicle for grace”

Now, that’s not to be twisted into some spiritually abusive narrative to negate harmful actions, abuse, or neglect toward others bc “they need it” no - full stop.

It IS however, an invitation to become more honest within yourself, your emotions, the ways we placate emotions around others and don’t tell them how we’re feeling bc “we don’t want to hurt them” or “they can’t handle the truth” or “it’ll escalate things” or it’ll be awkward” or ____ insert your belief - then ask if it’s true - and you’ll find sometimes it’s IS and also sometimes it’s exactly what’s necessary for change.

Sometimes we truly do need to soften, minimize, compartmentalize, and or say nothing bc the people or environment truly aren’t safe so please give grace for that “Avoidance” but none of that was true for me anymore.

When I asked the deeper questions of “why aren’t you saying it right”, and saw why I was softening and minimizing the truth of what he’d done to me, I saw my old internal avoidant and hyper-independent pattern that I’d already worked through within that relationship (to use in order to manage others’ toxic behavior and thereby enable it and became complicit in it) crop up again, but now it was reflected on SM.

And bc I was sovereign, supported in my mental/emotional healing practices, had a solid family, mentorship and more;

I saw I had a greater responsibility to speak on it

Because most do not have the awareness, direction, capacity, safety, support,

But I did

So

I faced my fears of looking like “that bitch” and spoke.

As I did, the rest of my world tied to that one crumbled, some of it aggressively annihilated by former friends, but most of it passively eroded through the same pattern in that relationship; neglect, deflection, denial, and dismissiveness… so… after many attempts to save it where I could, to hold onto connections that seemed viable, only to find that ultimately, over and over and over and over again, none of them could hold the gravity, nuance, and depth needed to hold the truth without softening or romanticizing it, spinning it into so beautiful falsely positive narrative or hero story; aka relate to grief/death, harm, this experience and furthermore they didn’t have basic social skills like reciprocal communication and shared empathy to stay in relationship. One by one, for 3 years, nearly every relationship fell… there’s was nothing more I could do… so I let it.

Some avoid the letting go bc grief is waiting for them on the other side.

That’s not my story.

I am not afraid of grief, it’s been a constant companion through out my life. I’ve stayed in relationship with grief longer than any friend. It knows me inside and out. Better than any “lover” though I don’t think I’ve ever know love in a romantic relationship, I’m lucky to know it in myself and through a few friends and family members.

I strive for connection bc it’s an integral part of love and life and fear of grief does not drive me to stay in relationship, love of connection does though.

And

That love often bites me in the ass bc I will try harder than most to stay.

This season has been about trying softer.

Doing less.

Being more.

I’ve been in this cycle before but it’s never the same. I’ve practiced it often and quite frankly, I was annoyed, but I was being asked to practice it again.

But I heard the call and accepted the challenge.

This time the rivers cut much deeper and wider.

This time I met the ocean.

Literally.

Lived on the docks.

Talks with the orcas,

otters, seals, seagulls, herons,

eagles were plentiful.

I gave the wind and clouds my voice,

I gave the water my blood-fueled poems and prayers.

She gave me reprieves in understanding that no human has ever been able to touch.

And I surrendered to the fact that nothing less than nature will do for me.

Nothing less than a grand sky filled with undulating clouds and kaleidoscopic colors will do for me to be in relationships with.

Nothing less than waters containing multitudes and unknown constructs, depths, societies, will do.

Nothing less than the moon beckoning my gaze and the sun lighting up the night haze while I sip the morning brew.

Nothing less than this rhythm, this movement within stillness, this ever changing constant of nature within me and all around me, will do.

So if you’re here reading this, welcome, I hope you join me in a real way of relating.

If you’re a person who’s harmed me with your neglect but still lingering on these pages I hope you find your capacity and courage to feel, deal, heal then say something, name it and repair the harms.

Anything less is no longer welcome here.

Be nature with me. Every changing always constant abiding in truth, no filter, yet always in love.

Relate to me like nature, presence, spirit, aka God; nothing less but the real present Buddha natured human you will do.

Or else,

Adieu