I am the storm

lol 😝 love this “quote” and why I speak truth not just positivity cuz normalize the shit outta this and we just solved 1/2 the world’s problems 😝

Imagine if we quoted the reality of the greats instead of the just highlights.

Part of what I’m doing on SM lately is I’m normalizing the grief process and some keep trying to “help” me by offering insight which is appreciated, truuuly I’m honored to know you care, but also sometimes, depending on the griever, can be a subtle way of shutting it down, dismissing, bypassing, judging it or thinking I’m not aware. (This is round 3 for me, I’m still learning but not what some think I need to learn;).

I get most showing anger and their process may not be so it makes sense why the reactions.

I get how it looks and feels and how many stories it brings up for most.

I get it looks like I’m doing what most need to undo and please understand that being quiet is what I’m undoing. That’s what kept me attached to ppl and situations that were one-sided and harmful to me. There are many more reason though

And let me say again more clearly, this big one:

I’m asking for you to witness a deep loud vulnerable angry honest truth and process.

The injustices, the love, the truths, the hurts, the heartache and yes the gratitude at the lesson and blessings too but first the grief.

No mud no lotus.

Don’t skip to lotus.

It injures ppl.

I hope you can glean how to do the process for yourself and help others in theirs too.

I know it sucks but if we don’t practice and normalize the process - we perpetuate the harmful cycles and trauma and abuse and the depression mental health crisis and drug epidemics that go with it.

Grief includes anger and depression it’s a healthy sign of love.

Defending yourself when you’ve been harmed is healthy, it’s something I NEVER did bc I thought it unevolved and egoic and non-spiritual. Turns out I met another shadow. And integrated that too…

I don’t like this one…

it’s not comfortable…

it’s big and loud…

polarized…

All the things I resist and what we resist persists so I looked deeper.

I liked neutral, greys, not edgy black and whites - I learned and teach how NOT to be a black & white thinker but I’m finding the use of allll of it.

It’s what I needed to see and find the use of labels and pathologizing and everything I’d dismissed as “the wrong thing” came and bit me in the ass and said “notice me, make use of me too, or else you’ll continue to find yourself in abusive relationships if you can’t call it out”.

Being polarized and having strong opinions repels ppl.

Yep.

And that’s what’s breaking the cycle.

And sometimes you gotta be brave enuf to do that too,

To risk losing an entire community even if it means standing up for yourself and others especially in the face of harmful behaviors.

We talk a lot about non-attachment and it IS great for most things but;

Being detached after ppl end relationships is a sign of not being invested and even sociopath/psychopathy, not stable or secure, void of humanness and abilities to care.

Being devastated and destabilized after having so many things ripped away is normal healthy and it takes tremendous courage to just talk about it and show the shit show and bare your soul. (Weaponizing is different that expressing btw so plz be mindful. Naming harms not shaming is a tricky tight rope to walk and I’ve fallen off it many times).

Ppl say “the message is in the mess” but if we show it it’s still unsavory… you don’t want the mess, just the final product.

Just The message.

I get it.

But that’s not reality, honest or authentic

So

Let’s normalize emotions and messes and the whole spectrum including yes, even hate plzzzzz.

I mean, if you wanna heal the world anyway, let’s normalize it, but if you just wanna, idk win, then I guess you’re on a diff train. ✌️

A quote I’ve been integrating since I got sober in 2014:

“Love... love until you hate. Then learn to hate your love. Then forgive your hate for loving it.”

as my mentor asked in August during a deep ceremony “what do you need in order to heal and let go?”

I answered surprisingly “my hate” she and I both paused,

and knowing what we know, we went with it,

and let me have all the rage and thunder clouds came and she said we’re not done until they are… they didn’t end… I joked w her “maybe I am the storm.”

They did not leave all month.

I inadvertently tattooed a hurricane on my arm shortly afterward (see pic below).

I repeated I am the storm.

Or rather it repeated me.

I went to Puerto Vallarta on a trip I won from my ex’s band raising money for UDVC and I could barely swallow that irony

But then I was caught in their first hurricane ever.

I felt the clearing relief and the raging initiation all at once.

The image of my first fave X-men came to mind and I understood the assignment.

I didn’t like it but I leaned in.

“Rock the boat, stir the pot, stop smoothing everything over, looking calm and collected and grateful for all pain, you don’t have to be ordered, be wild, be chaos, stop transmuting all darkness to light, just be with the force of it, see the use OF the storm not just the calm aftermath, use its wisdom”.

Untamed. Wild. Great ideas, but have you ever embodied it truly?

You might be wondering what’s the usefulness of hate… good… keep being curious. This is the work I guide and integrating hate has been my least fave so far. It feels inverted- like chemo therapy- and it worked.

And this, is both the mess and the message.

I hope it helps you heal like it is me.

And if it’s hurting you, I am sorry, I know it’s scared the shit out of a lot of ppl and I’m happy to apologize for things I’ve stirred up.

My intention is love.

I know it’s loud.

And that sucks and feels unsafe sometimes and is not for everyone and it’s ok with me today but I also don’t mean to trigger the shit out of everyone and just call it medicine and bypass my affect on you.

I’m hoping to hold both and all and it’s hard and I’m here for the learning to walk in my fire. I hope you join me.