Dear Former Friend, wtf is happening rn?; An apology, an explanation, a story, a truth.

I’m glad I got finally hear your version of our story last night in my comment section via accusations. I was guessing at some of the things you expressed but truly had no idea beyond my intuition and piecing things together. Most things you mentioned were things I'd already amended. I thought, but see I was wrong.

After offering understanding apology accountability and further amends, only to be met with more attack and verbal violence instead of any seeking to understand my pov or reciprocate, I guess I'll simply offer it regardless of you receive it or not which at this point I see is a no, still I speak bc I'm learning to stand up for myself

So

If I were to have commented one more time on your attacks in my post it would’ve been this. Here’s a small bit of my story plus some more apology and prayer:

Truly if you think I’m a spiritual narcissist it helps fill in the “why” you behaved the way you did toward me. It was everything I was being forced to assume and fill in bc your reaction to me being abused or outing my abuser did not make sense. Unless you didn’t believe me. You believed he and I were “misaligned” (kinda like the way you said you and I were just in different rooms instead of actually admitting you didn't believe me you called it misunderstanding each other). You say it's got nothing to do with my relationship to him but everything seemed fine before all this happened so it's hard for me to believe that although I'm open to understanding as usual. Regardless it seems if you could simply believe he was as I say, as I post, it would mend at least a chunk of this so I'll say what I feel you can't seem to hear even though you were there hearing quite a few of the events (which again you continue to think me complaining to you about him is the same as me being abusive criticizing or defensive toward him in our relationship and that's not true, I was never hurtful toward him and anything I did I always and overly apologized).

And despite hearing proof of how poorly he treated me sometimes, you couldn’t believe that he was verbally emotionally psychologically financially and even sexually abusive to me via covert tactics which include showing a neutral or nice exterior but then shifting to neglect, passive aggressiveness, condescension, dismissiveness, de prioritization, and making subtle chips away at me and what I do for a living, but continuing to sabotage the relationship in covert ways. Then showing up as a nice guy in public and also his girlfriend has been groomed to present him as such as well. Even to all of her friends, even through the abuse, she still sticks up for him, so, of course, it makes sense to some degree that you choose to stick with that story. We were all good at telling it that way. We were all gaslighting me. None of us knew, until I unraveled from it and got deeper into the truth. By then you were mostly out of my life. And when I’d try to explain you wouldn’t hear it. So let me say it:

He continues to show up as a responsible person, he is of service to his community, he shows gratitude, he’s just a nice guy… Isn’t he? How could anyone believe that he’s been through multiple relationships, treated every one of them poorly, and then rather than take accountability, apologize, or make proper full amends, he does a surface sentence apology, enough to tell himself he can check that box, then he discards them. It is a pattern it’s not just that we were misaligned. Or if you’d rather; The reason we were “misaligned” was because he was abusive. He’s addicted to porn which is keeping the lid on a lot of trauma. Again, I don’t say this to shame, it’s the truth, like naming alcoholism isn’t bad, but it does need a name before it can be addressed. He’s not a bad person but he has harmed me bc he had bad behaviors. And that’s it. I was willing to love him and walk with him through unraveling the harmful patterns. That’s what a loving partner does. But he was not willing, he did not love me, he said he did. He devastated me. I was collateral damage in his inner war. I didn’t ask too much. (We both told me I did though). I wasn’t too needy. I also should not have left. He showed enough hope. I risked it all for love with a person I hoped would meet me. Instead he abandoned and tried to call it love.

I almost fell for the story that it was just a misalignment because I’m into astrology, and I like connecting to my partner once a week and that was just too much for him etc. but calling it a difference in “values” when it was that he was unwilling to unravel or take accountability for his harms it is a tactic that covert vulnerable narcissists use.

I also thought “ you can love people and still leave them”, but that only fits when you’re being abused. That doesn’t fit when the abuser leaves you.  Love and abandonment cannot coexist. Even though so many other things can. Love and boundaries can coexist, but again that’s not what happened here, even though it might look that way to some.

He discarded me like a used toy and went on with his life never skipping a beat and showing no remorse or grief, just a grateful dude in AA that “went through another hard time” but doesn’t own that he caused it. He plays like it was a hard decision and poor him. He says “I’m sorry for being such a dick to you mikelle” and I say “the best apology is changed behavior” he says teary-eyed “I’m trying” then walks out, which is the opposite of trying aka a lie as his actions don’t match words and continued to treat me worse than ever as we separated.

And I still felt bad for HIM, that’s the heart fake, I felt bad for someone who was abusing me and abandoning me. That’s an old story that goes back to my mom, my first experience of abandonment and emotional neglect as abuse and the second one and Mormonism AA and yoga told me to do that spiritual bypass and see the good but it’s not fully true, it perpetuated it, I repeated 3 abusive relationship cycles and

I’m not doing it anymore.

You don’t get to abuse and abandon me and have me paint you as and understandably nice person trying their best.

You get painted just as you are.

A hurtful person, who yes has trauma, but doesn’t choose to heal and instead continues to run from their problems.

Hurt ppl hurt ppl

Hurt ppl heal ppl.

I’m one, he’s the other.

It’s an important distinction.

It’s not arrogant.

It right sized ego aka confidence and protection and I was missing it previously.

Discernment. Knowing and getting clear in all that. That doesn’t make me a narcissist.

Calling out a narcissist doesn’t either.

Someone else claiming I’m the narcissist also doesn’t fly. Though I have old programming from my NAS that gets super spun out by that so thank you for helping me practice continuing to unravel from that harmful tactic.

I was terrified to speak up about it because I knew he looked like the nice guy and I would look like the crazy person. I expected some people to think that I’m the abuser. I never expected that it would be one of my closest friends. That you would dig into me and call me worse than your ex. But tell me I’m the one who’s hurting you. I believe you are hurt, I believe I have a part, I’m just not going to take responsibility for yours. Or his.

Now that we have all that backstory and As much as I understand why you might be calling me narcissistic, I also don’t understand. It seems crazy to me that overall you think I’m lying, the you would believe my ex, a person that you barely know, over one of your best friends.

I’m left to assume that there is some other unconscious or deeper reason for you upholding this story and of course, people keep asking me if you have a thing for him, I shake my head but they’re just as confused as I am. Either way that’s none of my business, but it does make me very sad and leaves me feeling completely misunderstood and very confused. By someone who I trusted with my hard stories and to support me through them.

Who I supported through theirs.

Instead a very similar pattern happened with you. You called it a boundary by saying “I still want to be friends but let’s just go through our storms separate and I’ll meet you in the sunshine”.

Sounds nice, but it’s incongruent. Friends to me go through storms together so That didn’t fit for me. I also didn’t know exactly what that meant. It felt like a fluffy non-descript unexplained abandoning disguised as a boundary or “still friends”. I left it for weeks (and we’d only talked a few times all year as I was giving space) though I'd plainly ended the friendship, saying thank you but that doesn't fit for me, and set a boundary which you did not agree to, you now paint me as aggressively trying to connect so I eventually decided to express all of that and ask for clarity in an email. You accuse me of crossing a boundary. If you would’ve said “don’t contact me” I could see a boundary violation. You said "lets meet in the sunshine" Me asking for clarification on our relationship is just healthy communication.

He had a similar reaction to me clarifying things. It was threatening to him. It felt like disrespect. I thought for awhile maybe it was. I see now it was just another way for him to hide the truth of how he felt about me and blame it on me as not respecting his boundary when there was never a clear one in place. It’s yet another tactic of avoidance personalities and while not all avoidants are narcissists and I understand they are just overwhelmed and/or afraid etc (or apparently, in your case you didn’t trust me, but I wasn’t clear about that) it doesn’t mean the behavior is ok and that I should just “respect” an unclear agreement or feel “pushy” for wanting clarity.

I opened up to you, cautiously, I did not want to make him look bad. I also didn’t want to make myself look bad. But his actions make him look bad, because they ARE, and it's not my telling of them that needs fixing. I'm not twisting anything, I'm finally UNtwisting the story WE ALL wanted to fit as "good, ok, understandable" but it's not... it's insanity to mistreat someone you claim to love. Is psychologically abusive to insist abuse is love. Not to mention the abuse itself. When ppl say him loved me, as he said it, it adds to that abuse.

I didnt want you to think I was weak. I caught, the story of “you can’t say anything bad about your partner, you are a yogi, you know better, You’re gonna look like you don’t know…” Etc. etc. there were a lot of stories that I got through just so I could open up and be vulnerable and get honest with you and one other friend and my therapist and sponsor who walked me through discerning all of the abuse til the end and beyond while you shrank back and I had no idea why.

I caught myself, not even wanting to admit the poor treatment to my sponsor for a few months for the same reasons, and finally saw that dishonesty and cracked open and started telling her everything and week by week we unpacked it. Every week the conversation was basically “am I crazy, or is he being mean and manipulative?”

Unraveling from the psychological gaslighting and emotional abuse and more.

Truly seeking. I’m so grateful that I had somebody to hold me accountable as well as tell me when it’s truly not my shit and he was showing up abusively.

When everything ended, when he broke my heart, which took me a long time to say, because I had a story in there that said “you can’t be a victim, that’s bad“ but I realized how false that story was, they really are victims, and if we don’t get honest about the difference between a victim and someone who is playing a victim, we get really fucked. I was getting really fucked by upholding the ideology that I’m a tough girl, I choose this, this is God’s will, and I’m sure it will be for the best, etc.

While I do believe those things, I continue to bypass the actual truth, the devastation, the destruction, my heart, breaking, and him, essentially getting away with it, because of the spiritual ideologies and therapeutic speech.

He's playing victim. He's allowing y'all to think I'm crazy instead of telling the truth. He's constitutionally incapable of it. And It's subtle. It's covert. You're all conditioned to believe the quieter one is good, the louder more emotional is bad. I get it, I was too, it's not always true.

In me upholding his good guy image, Not only did he not have to see and feel the pain he was causing in my life, but I was willing participant in upholding a lie.

As the break up unfolded, I started to see all of this, his mask came all the way off, and started to undo it more and more. I kept seeing how an old story of mine to protect my abusers continued to cover the truth. It’s been a very very long process. It’s still going it always will.

You as someone I opened up to trusted, took all of my worst fears, and threw them back in my face. Not only did you not support me through this, or let me say this, you supported me to the best of your ability, and I appreciate that, I know you tried to some degree, but because the story you have that I’m a spiritual, narcissist, got into your psyche, you then also started to turn on me. You attacked me and continue to support him. On top of that you continued to give me lip service that you Didn’t feel the way that you described above. Which confused me further because I could sense it.

And now the truth is out.

The dishonesty, and the lies, well-meaning, or not, harmed me greatly.

Your lack of support after my whole life, got ripped apart, your lack of compassion would have been enough to hurt, but then you add all of this. I feel abused by one of my best friends. It is tragic.

I know you feel the similar but I didn’t know until now. You’d only said a few things to me, I’d apologized each time, I amended my behavior, I can see that’s not your experience. I’m sorry for that. I wished you would’ve continued to express it but I guess you’d lost trust in me way before all of this. Again, I did not know, bc you did not tell me, even after I asked for clarity.

You know how I feel about spiritual narcissism, you equate me with your ex, (a situation I befriended you through and now you abandon me in mine) and go for the lowest blow, a deep wound of mine. You know I suffer from thinking I’m the narcissist, and being so afraid to have any amount of ego for fear of people thinking it too. And again you weaponized my wounds.

I am sorry I hurt you. The comments about us all having a part in Caryn's death, the abusive spirituality and structures we perpetuated had a part and my amends to her is to speak up about it. I'm not sorry for that. It needs to be said. We all need to be held accountable and change those parts of this system to contribute to people dying bc they feel inadequate and unsupported in a place that's meant to be a safe haven.

However, I truly wish I would have known that all of this was happening within you, you'd have shared the truth with me, then we could’ve addressed it. I tried to connect with you but you refused by saying “I just don’t have space for any connections rn” however you DID make space for others. I understand how you didn’t feel safe sharing with me, but I needed your honesty and transparency, not more vagueness and false positives disguising your motives and truth.

Part of the reason you said you don’t trust me is because I would tell you how awful I was being treated by my boyfriend, and then I would post how I was grateful for him online.

I see how that could cause you to feel like I was untrustworthy. This is part of why I'm telling "the negative" now,... but apparently im still "doing it wrong". It's part of the story I'm practicing unraveling bc we are taught to highlight the positive, be grateful... sure... but not if it detracts from the truth.

I would also like you to know that if it was up to me I would’ve always shared the truth but early in our relationship he had shut that voice down in me, and I thought it was a respectable boundary. It was grooming.

The truth is I shared a story about how he called me an asshole one day and then I continue to work through my own shit and calm my own storms and learned self soothing. I thought it was an amazing story about self-regulation and he came home very upset told me he did not appreciate what I shared, I quickly apologized and said I would never share like that again.

He never apologized, for calling me an asshole and stonewalling me all day and I didn’t even notice, I had so much respect for him. Some much ability to regulate - i did it for both of us - I teach it so it didn’t bother me at first (but eventually I was exhausted). He had so little respect for me, and I’m just so used to that dynamic, it is so sad for me to see now how badly I was being treated and what “good girl” I was being about it.

From there on out, I only posted the positive things.

But you don’t know any of this, so I understand how I seemed fake to you. I was being fake online, you are right, “respecting his boundary”, in any harmonious reciprocal relationship that’s the right action, but in abuse I see how fake that is now. I also see how much compassion I need for myself in this moment because that’s a form of abuse, grooming and manipulation and I was taught that that was OK. I’m undoing all of that now again by using my voice and telling the whole truth, very careful not to add harm or create more karma but it is a risky business and I can see that I have harmed you and I am sorry.

The irony is when I started sharing the truth you didn’t trust that either. Cuz now you thought the truth a lie. What a mindfuck for both of us.

I felt shamed by you either way “share positive that’s a lie, share negative that’s a lie”. What am I to do?

Again, I know I cannot change your perception of me, I can only do my part to tell the truth, and let go of how it’s perceived.

There is magic in words and so I continue to use them.

There is magic in letting go and I continue to use that.

I am really mad, I am really hurt, and that is normal human behavior and emotional security to admit the insecurity and the deep grief from being traumatized.

Feeling all of that, and expressing all of that in healthy ways, is how I am healing, but so many continue to shame me for it. Cuz we're supposed to "be grateful, learn, move on, let go forgive" AND what y'all can't see is that I AM -and- I'm being honest online and showing you the process and what I'm learning is how many of us spiritually abuse ppl the way you did me with the same lingo and how to speak up about it. But me naming that ALSO got twisted into me abusing you... speaking up about abusive patterns is NOT abuse. I'm untwisti g that story that still seems twisted in so many of us and is killing ppl bc they think they've got it wrong and can't unravel from it bc ppl keep telling them they ARE wrong. This is where spiritual principles get mid-used and I'M LEARNING that. Learning to call a spade a spade. To spot a wolf in sheep's clothing. The emperor with no clothes and not let ppl gaslight me or warp the truth into making excuses for their bad behavior even IF we've been taught it normal or even spiritual... it's not... I'm calling it out.

If you are participating in it, I'm calling you out.

But my posts were not baiting you or egging you on... I didn't think you were even online... I didn't think you'd be bothered at all... I used "my friend did this" to help ppl understand im speaking from experience and how sinister the systems are... not bc I was trying to hurt you or aim at you though I can see and understand how it felt that way and for that I am sorry.

I'm not trying to throw him or you under the bus which is why I left it non-descriptive to whom I was talking about bc it wasn't about YOU it was about the patterns we need to undo.

I am simply talking about what happened to me in a neutral way to share experience strength, and hope and I know, because it is you, it is hard to see that I’m really not aiming those posts at you. It’s about the behaviors.  I am sorry that this is feeling like a personal attack. Truly, I do not mean it that way, but I understand you will likely continue to perceive it as that. I’ve offered amends and you say there is none. If you change your mind lmk.

And just a PSA:

Getting honest and real and authentic about my pain and struggle and healing is not spiritual narcissism, spiritual narcissism is pretending everything is OK going on with your life, like nothing happened, showing no remorse because “God‘s got me”.  Lacking humanness for fear of looking weak or admitting vulnerability. Or using spiritual tropes to bypass harmful behaviors or gaslight others. I totally get how you think I’m doing that and the irony is I’m trying to UNDO how others have done that spiritual abuse to me and my friends and family.

Our society paints “secure attachment“ as avoidant, unaffected, and non-confrontational, understanding, no regrets, only logic mind, (no illogical right brain, no body that feels the pain) this is actually sociopathic behavior. The irony is that the healthy conflict and the emotions and struggle get painted as crazy. “another crazy woman, making her boyfriend out to be a narcissist how cliché”.

That “show no pain” be unaffected, is a miswiring of what is healthy.

So now anyone calling out bad behavior gets labeled as crazy and unkempt. It’s an ancient story. It keeps up quiet and complicit in the horrific narcissistic societies and structures of government and church and capitalism. Think Sinead.

Human emotion gets label is crazy.

The lack of emotion is what is crazy.

The lack of ppl sharing honestly about it and only showing the good parts, on and offline, is what is crazy.

That is the giant story, the veil over everyone’s eyes, that I’m trying to unravel and undo. And it seems you subscribe to that other old story so it makes sense That you see me how you see me.

I pray that if I hold any delusion about any of this, that it gets lifted. I pray the delusion is lifted for you and him and everyone, cuz the response-ability, that’s the freedom.

That’s the becoming human.

That’s the love.

I know this sounds narcissistic to you, and that’s OK if you want to continue seeing it as such - I know a different truth.

I love you, my former friend I wish you well. I hope one day we do, as you said, meet again, but not in the sunshine per se, just in whatever is truth.

~

~ ~

I wrote this 12/20 7:36 am. I knew nothing of her post attacking me, I just felt the urge to write this this morning, but later I did hear the intuition say “she’s probably going to post something awful about you today”. Around 2:30 I got a msg from a friend saying, did you see HER post about you?  I told her no, and I didn't need to see it. I still haven't. I’d blocked her after the attack last night.  The whole day my body has been in adrenal shock. It felt like I was being disemboweled. It was put there Monday night too, I recouped but I'm here again. I’m exhausted. Cheers to feeling dealing and healing. And mercury mf retrograde.