It ended over coffee

I cry almost every morning over coffee.

I spent the last five + years making you coffee nearly every morning

Clockwork I would bring it set it next to you, usually still sleeping as you’d have missed your alarms… or perhaps scrolling on your phone if you caught them.

The day you broke up with me I placed the coffee on your night stand as per usual, you were still sleeping and even though I usually do, I did not reach over and brush your shoulder to wake you. In fact I figured you were mostly awake anyway.

Instead, I sat back into bed and decided to breathe in a rhythmic way and move my sore back.

Your arm suddenly shot across the bed and grabbed me and with a derisive snort you glared at me like “wtf are you doing?!”

My arm gently reached out to touch your head with a confused look, and I almost said “I’m sorry” but I caught myself, and thought “for what, breathing?”

The next thought was to say “are you OK?” But that seemed condescending and passive aggressive as I knew he was not ok.

The next thought was “No. You don’t get to treat me like that”.

None of them seemed like good options so I remembered a deeper pause when doubtful.

I heard Jaiya John’s words about boundaries softly emoting “…I will be treated sacredly” and withdrew my gentle energy, now disturbed, grabbed my cup of coffee and walked out of the room. I couldn’t say anything. I needed to process and regulate.

20 minutes later I came back in to grab my phone as it was alerting me it was time to lead my Meditation group.

You said “good morning“ as if nothing had happened and I quickly quipped “is it?“

Catching my passive-aggressiveness I reasserted, “I mean, I’m hurt by what happened and I’m not ready to talk about it, I’ve gotta lead meditation“.

You offered kindly, “let me know when you’re ready“ but after meditation when I did, you were now different, hurrying to work but still reluctantly said you had a couple minutes, then became angry when I expressed my feeling unappreciated and attacked, blew up at me again, unloaded a week’s worth of resentment, and walked out.  That night you ended it.

I have replayed this scenario, this day, that night, that moment when you reached over to me and I reached back to you, one million fucking times. Hoping I could make sense of it. Wishing I could’ve done it different. Wishing you would’ve. Thinking that if I did, it would’ve changed something. And knowing ultimately it would not, grieving all of that over and over and over.

I know that is my work, to let it be, to let it go, to let it rest, to put it down, to be OK with not being able to fix and change and save. (To recognize I'm no longer tolerating disrespect and lack of accountability within it like that and thank god).  But it’s so hard, because I know the solution. Better communication practices would solve so much. But I also know that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. And I can only point at the moon, if you look, and what you see, is up to you.

“We must only do what is ours to do”.

Zen Master Dogen

So I’m giving your karma back.  I’m really good at picking up other’s shit and that’s MY karma.

Reading this, you might think that I am weak or that he’s weak, or a bad guy but the truth is, we’re just humans with nervous system that react in ways to protect ourselves – the trouble is sometimes when we protect ourselves and tell the truth we hurt others.

“It is all a call TO love or a call FOR love”.

In that moment, in so many moments, I didn't feel love and neither did he.

Because I understand this, because I can sympathize with being woken up in a way that you don’t want to be woken up, because I know/I knew that he loved me, it was easy for me to let those hurtful actions, lack of apology, and amends go.

But I had let them go too far.

And because I did for so many years, it was very hard when I reeled in my letting go muscles by finally figuring out how to say, “I love you, I understand, and no, you don’t get to treat me that way, and if you accidentally do, it CAN be ok, IF and when you apologize and commit to changing the behavior“.

And I guess it was just too much.

For him.

To learn how to do it differently. Or to unintentionally keep treating me like that and looking at it and wondering why & not understanding it his reactions and feeling ashamed and like a failure.

I knew he wasn’t. But he didn’t. And his knowing that he wasn't was what mattered and affected us most.

So rather than continue hurting me a like this, for who knows how much longer, until he learned or wanted to learn differently, he decided to hurt me acutely and abruptly by breaking my heart and killing us so that we wouldn’t have to keep guessing at “when does it get easier“?

My answer was in time, with consistent practice, but that didn’t feel good or true for him.

The deeper part of the story is that the reason he had these moments of contempt for me was 1- because he had been trying to clear his resentments without clearly communicating boundaries/needs to me and 2- trying convince himself to stay when so many other parts of him told him to leave. That would be enough to cause reactions like that.

Self betrayal.

Which leads to sabotage. Which is the unconscious form of re-establishing self-trust. The paradox.

The irony is we betray ourselves so that we don’t hurt others. The truth is it never ever works. In fact, we usually end up hurting them worse.

{And it never looks like what do you think it’s going to look like, the uncertainty and betrayal happens in subtle ways it’s hard to catch sometimes. Unless you’re really clear about your worth.}

So please. Please. My prayer for everyone, my prayer to myself for the last 3 years; start knowing yourself deeper, understanding yourself, finding out what you need, what you want, who you are, what you stand for, what you don’t stand for, and why, and how to express it in compassionate but honest ways so that when people come into your lives, you can be authentic with them instead of “just trying to make them happy at the expense of your happiness“ and eventually hurting everyone involved.

I was lucky enough to have some consistent, introspective, spiritual practices like daily prayer & meditation, moon ceremonies and journaling every two weeks for almost 4 years, inventory practices, therapy and sponsor and many other teachers and friends to help me find some deeper more vulnerable and intimate truths about myself and behavior in relationships AND put them into consistent practice with this crucial relationship as a training ground and mirror.

It’s not like you arrive, and simply suddenly know the truth, as if it never changes again, but I developed the tools to continue noticing it & speaking to it as it changed.

It did change.

Many times.

And that is no one’s fault. But it is a was OUR duty and responsibility to stay true to it. And even though it ebbed and flowed, I did. He did his best to do this too. His reflection on our relationship was less frequent and less of a priority and he didn't want to do the maintenance required for a relationship to continue feeling fulfilling. He didn't think it should require that level of commitment and continual communication.

This more avoidant style was not an issue for me until there were mixed messages and more than occasional rude behaviors followed by lack of accountability toward it.

I saw and sensed the sabotage and even though I could read it and could've easily removed myself, that was not what I needed to learn here. I was being asked to learn the scarier thing, compassionate boundaries, emotional communication, the art of compromise and feeling safe in my self expression.

I can’t sweep mis-alignment under the rug and into the shadows like most.  That’s where I live and bring light, and so it was.

The only constant is change. And if we’re not aware, it can really fuck us over.  I suppose, even if we are aware, it can really fuck us over.

And so sometimes I wonder what’s the fucking point? And then I recognize this phrase is my grief and depression making an appearance and remind it, “the point is to grow along spiritual lines”.

And to be human, and to be kind and “to thine own self be true“.

And so here we remain. Being both human kind and true. Best we can.

Nothing changes.

And everything always is.