Learning to trust our read; Is it all a trigger within us to heal or could it actually be “without”

If someone would’ve validated this knowing in me, my discernment and intuition, when I was small and my guts knew my step mother and  brothers weren’t safe.

When I was in my first relationship w a protective but overtly abusive psychopathic boy often high on psychedelics.

My second w an avoidant but loving drug addict who was cool but neglectful and a sheer coward when it came to his own pain or mine.

My third with a benign boy where I first began to do this for myself and ended it when he showed me disrespect even though he love bombed in between I still trusted my read.

My fourth where suddenly my self-trust was inundated with a community of people who have been taught to not trust themselves bc many of them had and still do suffer from always projecting their fears and so had really needed to hear “it’s never the other person it’s always you” which was useful to them but when I was faced with subtle covert abuse from my partner I doubted my perception and so did they.

I thought it was a past wound, some of it was at first, learning to regulate my nerves was a key practice and I’m so grateful the challenges in that way BUT the rest wasn’t mine and the abuse wasn’t necessary for me “to heal” it was rewounding me - but the ppl around me told me “that’s your shit”, “he’s doing his best”, “don’t judge him, have compassion” and unfortunately they were wrong 😑 They inadvertently added abuse to abuse and it got really sticky in there.

Luckily I began to trust myself again even over him saying the same things plus my close circles and I’ve officially unraveled from the confusing hurtful environmentsonce more.

I could not have done it without my sponsor therapist mentors a few friends who could see it too and my personal practices of prayer meditation and alchemy. I bow to all of them in gratitude.

The sad thing is, many of my friends and fellows still don’t understand this or believe my experience or trust my read, and that’s ok, they don’t have to, but I do hope they learn to trust theirs more to some degree cuz we, as a society, really need to look at this.

Sometimes it’s our misperception true, everyone needs help/guidance to see their blind spots within yes, I teach so much of that, but right now there’s soooo much "without" us, blindspots right in front of us, that needs to change and if we dont get real and rigorously honest about that, we’ll keep allowing abusive ppl, relationships, employers, systems, structures and more to cause harm bc “it’s a me problem” when clearly it’s outside of us too. It’s an us problem. And sometimes, when ppl aren’t willing to be interdependent, it’s a them problem and us naming that doesn’t mean we’re “blaming” or “being bitter resentful or negative” we gotta unravel that sticky story in our collective consciousness. Please ftlog 🙏 I pray we learn those differences and nuances.

We’ll all just keep thinking “it’s me, I’m the problem it’s me” or “don’t judge” when sometimes you need to bc sometimes it’s them. And the only part that’s “you” is that you don’t trust your read, or feel like you’re bad for judging,

often bc everyone is inadvertently spiritually gaslighting you to believe otherwise.

Benign Example and hopefully this’ll help you relate it to any part of your life:

a trainer at the gym once told me -after I’d asked for help with my form- “well frankly your lats are too weak to do this exercise” arms folded, stoic side glance, no other advice or modification.

I had an emotional reaction to this.

Not in the moment, in the moment I questioned his intent and thought “he can’t actually be being mean to me rn, everyone says he’s such a good guy, it must be my perception” doubted my perception, chose “not to judge” and shook it off.

By the end of the class my nervous system was fully activated from other dismissive actions of his and utterly confused at his passive aggressive condescension. And seemingly only toward me. Fully supporting spotting and cheering the rest of the class on.

My anger was trying to tell me the truth but I was only hearing “be kind, he must be going g thru something, you must’ve misread it,” aka don’t trust your anger, just clear the resentment. Which I always did with prayer and compassion and higher mindedness and gratitude for the opportunity to practice tolerance etc etc

&

It kept coming back. Until I finally dropped in, got honest, let my anger speak, extracted the truth and saw the plainness of it.

“Nothing goes away until it teaches us what we need to learn” Pema Chodron.

I thought it was to “let go and forgive” etc. It was to let in and be mad that someone was a jerk to me and smiled it off to hide it and confuse me. To trust my read. And more.

It literally took me 2 years of “looking for my part” until I finally realized I didn’t have one.

Not in the way I thought. My part was in seeing that:

Sometimes people are just mean.

And you didn’t do any to provoke it and there’s nothing for you to clear or amend or apologize for.

Period.

At some point in this 2 years of reflection and doubting myself, I guessed I did something to him that I was not aware of, I asked if there was anything, he said no.

Later, information WAS indirectly offered to me that he may indeed have had opinions about me and there WAS something and that’s why he was treating me so poorly, but telling me everything was good between us, thereby continuing the mind games.

Smiling to my face while being dismissive.

Keeping me guessing.

Shadow boxing.

Until I put the mirror mind games down and just validated my own read, “no he’s being a jerk, doesn’t like me or support me (for reasons he won’t offer) but is pretending all is well which insinuates I’m crazy. I’m not misperceiving that. It’s not me, it him” and left it there.

That is just a small piece of that story and what suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome (since my relationship at 15) does to your mind and how I bounced it off others to check my shit and no one could simply say “he was being mean, you’re not crazy” and it was the same cycle in my last relationship until finally, by expressing the truth of his hurtful behavior to a few experts (not just my fellows or friends unfortunately) validated the same cycle of meanness with my partner.

It took years.

And once he saw it, and started speaking to it and therapists confirmed it, instead of owning it, he abandoned the relation-ship. He might be able today to admit some of his hurts toward me, but not all, not thoroughly, and won’t offer to amend them. And even though I understand his capacity rn, it’s still heartbreaking that some aren’t capable or willing. And after speaking up for myself and learning all of the above; that’s where I get to let go of the rest and let god.

Had my mind and circle of fellows been more equipped with information like in this slide, I might’ve saved us both a world of hurt.

In the meantime I’m still grateful I finally learned it on a bone-deep level.

I hope I never doubt myself to an unhlevel again. Humility yes, false humility no.

I speak now to heal and rewire more solidly, to amplify the message, to embody it, and to help anyone who might be caught in the alt-right hyper-independent spirituality or religious weirdness that makes us think it’s always and only ever “me”.

Sometimes it’s them.

And “your part”, is knowing that and learning to call it out, communicate compassionately but honestly, protect yourself, protest and defend if needed and/or walk away.

Please world please, be mindful.

I currently send those who don’t understand this yet, the courage to see it, heal it feel it and take accountability for it, forgive themselves.

And tell the rest 😉