Removing Myself For Him
This reflection, this pic, the space
I was in then, the space I’m in now, it’s very difficult to encapsulate any good way to give you an over view, but
I’ll give you one detail:
In 2022 5 months before he ended things, I opted a solo vacay for my birthday weekend bc even though i wanted more than anything to spend my day with my man, he’d had a Punk Rock concert the weekend prior, he’s very restrictive with his work schedule and routine, I assumed he’d need a recharge weekend, things had been tense between us, I figured he’s always asking for more space so I decided it’d probably be good for to go recharge and check in and relinquish him from his need to show up for me.
Did you catch that?
That’s what we call #overfunctioning #undercommunicating not because I’m a bad communicator but I’d been so conditioned by him to not do it, learned that due to an inability to feel safe in asking for my love language which is #qualitytime
Not speaking up consistently was #enabling him to do bare minimum. Not because I’m at fault for him not showing up over the years, remember that initial #emotionalneglect is on him, and to avoid further #emotionalabuse I’d learned to keep the peace by removing myself instead of asking for something so simple as celebrating my birthday with me and prioritizing time.
A healthy self esteem and #hyperindependent but tired of having to ask I brushed it all under the rug with the above #logic and #excuses for his inability to show up and my feeling #insecure in communicating a basic bid for love because I’d been #rejected so many times before and I just couldn’t take one more… truly I wasn’t wrong in my assumptions, there was no way he was going with me after taking the weekend prior.
And truly I WAS ok going alone, I’m always ok alone, I love being alone, but the accumulation of points that I found myself alone in a relationship started to add up and chip away and in 2021 I kept asking, “why am I in this relationship if all he wants from me is space and I willingly lovingly give it with grace and compassion and usually with out him asking and when I ask for connection once a week or on special occasions (like my bday) outside of family dinner, scrolling on phones next to each other in bed, or recovery meetings I’m somehow and over bearing obligation, insecure and needy?”
I felt like an after thought and an accessory. I had been exhaustively learning to communicate differently, we’d established a spot on a waiting list for couples therapy so I was hopeful and patiently trying to pace the requests for change and progress bc I know how long it takes to create new patterns, I teach all about it, but I’m not his teacher, so I stayed in my lane while continuing to do my part in speaking up more. I’m so glad I kept speaking up even though it was scary but I leaned into courage in the face of my realizing #abandonment was a real possibility (and yes actually happened 5 months later) as it did create more pressure on him to show up. It was pressure i was taking on #emotionallabor I never should have been doing and I’m glad I started asking him to pour back into our love better. I’m still devastated that he decided he wasn’t willing to invest in our relationship in equal amounts with me, but I am happy to say my exhaustion today is only from the grief as I continue to recover from the tearing in my heart at the truth of that, and not from carrying the weight and love of a relationship by myself. Bitter sweet memories, Whitney said it best ;)
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