Someone told me “you created this heartbreak because your ego was running the show and trying to change him” and then added “sorry but it’s for your own good that I tell you the truth and I only do it because you deserve someone better”. Then before I could respond the walked off in their “higher-minded glory” and told everyone else they had to give me a dose of reality.
I get what they were trying to do, well intended in some ways, ironically ego driven and terribly harmful in others.
I did not even know where to start with the “wrongness” of his statements so I shut down and all my trauma of being misunderstood got reactivated.
My part: I opened the convo with them in a verrrry unstable place, mistake number one… I was sick 😷, just moved everything out of my house, was exhausted, hadn’t eaten and I asked a very vulnerable question.
Mistake two: I trusted them to be emotionally intelligent and hold a safe space for my bereft state.
But he layed into me, challenged every word I expressed, invalidated my story, told me I wasn’t experiencing what I had experienced, I was doing it/viewing it wrong, that I wasn't seeing the bigger picture, that my ego was running the show - as if having needs and expressing them (yes that’s my ego and it’s an important part of my values and necessary for survival and connection) is wrong. Yes, most of us need to curb our ego but it's absolutely not the case for me. I needed more OF my healthy ego AND this language is where so many spiritual communities turn toxic.
Then he projected his “truth” onto me as if he knew what I’d experienced assuming my current situation (like he understood my last 6 years) was anything like his past situation. Accusing me of perpetuating a toxic relationship (it was not toxic like some might equate w that word, there were many moments of me being treated poorly but there were also plenty of times I was treated well, which created the cognitive dissonance and psychological abuse). And not pointing out the wrongs the other had done, just mine, as if I was the only one in the relationship or responsible for it - which is exactly the entire trauma OF my relationship in a nutshell. “It was all my fault” little to no ownership from my partner, desire to compromise or communicate and in that instance I was offloaded onto and then he abruptly walked away not giving me a chance to respond… which is exactly what happened the morning my heart got massacred.
All in the name of “I’m doing what’s best for you”.
He also added “you should want someone who is madly in love with you”. I responded “I don’t want mad love, I want sane stable secure love and that’s what we were working toward until he quit.”
The message was unreceived from the person “mansplaining” my own relationship to me without being invited other than a vague question about his thoughts on the phrase “I love you but I don’t like you” and how it seems understandable on one hand but dishonest to some degree.
I wanted a philosophical conversation about what ppl mean when they say shit like that and when they say shit like “I love you and I don’t want to do this relationship with you” because it’s taken me many months to finally just validate what I knew was true.
First I tried to make my boyfriend's breakup phrase “right”… he does/did love me the best he could… he still loves me it’s just different… he loves me like a friend/sister… so now it’s true 😒
I saw I was still sticking up for him and I forget my pain again😏
So today I tell myself the full truth. Because he can’t or won’t. But if he could it’d be:
“I don’t love you, I’m not sure I ever did, I did try, but I’m not sure I even understand love, but I’m too scared to find out, I can’t take accountability for harming you or my other addictions being a part of my aversions so I’m running away and hiding it under a ‘good guy guise’ and now you can’t hate me because I said I love you even though my actions show the opposite right now and often did in our relationship too”.
It’s gaslighting. It’s half truths. They avail nothing but confusion and It’s fucked it yall. I DO get that multiple things can be true, opposites and paradoxes can coexist. It’s the entire breadth of my work AND everything I just wrote is also true.
In this trauma I actually get to see that not all things need to coexist.
He did his best. Both of them did. And their best was shitty and they gaslit me. I was confused and hurt and shamefully discombobulated from such language. I know they didn’t mean it, but they also didn’t NOT mean it. And they were wrong.
Being wrong is OK we are all human-I’ve made and continue to make so many mistakes but it’s only OK IF you take accountability, apologize and make amends. Otherwise you are the definition of an avoidant asshole. I deserve people in my life who know these differences, I don’t have to explain basic decency to, and don’t try to make me believe their lies.
I’m no longer practicing “idiots compassion” for ppl's abusive behavior.
I’m no longer taking responsibility for or tolerating poor careless and reckless behavior.
It’s yours, here, you can have it back.
I’m still learning to unravel decades of being told I'm in #victimmentality if I say others hurt me. I learned this, what was meant to be empowering #radicalresponsibility phrase in 1993 during an impact training and unfortunately though it's new for so many people- and in so many ways useful- for me i over used it, allowed others to #spirituallybypass my pain and trauma and I did the same for decades.
I've been gaslit and had my inner authority and knowing shut down by "enlightened" ppl like this AND myself. I became one of them for a time and today I'm making amends for my own #spiritualnarcissist tendencies like these and re-balancing the scales of FULLY honoring the victim while not getting stuck in the mindset.
I’m reclaiming all my worth/values which INCLUDE my ego, my inner child, my needs, my self expression, the “victim” aka part of me injured by ppl’s bad behavior and standing up for her… not you.
This DOES NOT mean I'm in resentment or victimhood, it means I'm telling the truth of what has happened.
I'm not being mean by saying it, they were mean for doing it.
I’m speaking up when people are assholes instead of only showing them tolerance patience & compassion, I will include compassion for myself and add the boundary “I am no longer Available for conversations with people who want to tell me who I am instead of asking and seeking to understand” even my therapist and sponsor approach me with basic kindness and I’m intentionally asking them to correct me if needed… I don’t have to teach them this basic human skill of kindness.
I hope we can all learn to do better. Stop making excuses for bad behavior (yours or theirs) and show up in more awareness for those suffering and surviving trauma. Those victimized by the whitewashed spiritual logic, higher-minded lingo that says #killtheego and stop being in #victimmentality bc even though those phrases have their place and can be empowering for those over run by such things, for many we actually need the opposite. To simply be heard, validated, understood and then, IF we’re asking, gently reminded/redirected to our power.
The healing is in the hearing.
The feeling.
The being seen.
Received and reconnected to belonging.
Please. If you can relate to any part of this, commit to one action that can help us all #dobetter
Speak up when you see others doing this. Learn to express and protect yourself and others. Validate victims when they tell you they’ve been hurt instead of immediately saying “what’s your part?” I’m guilty of doing this and to anyone out there that got that spiritual hyper responsibility trope from me that was not asking for my advice I’m sorry. I’ve been reprogramming that since 2019 and damn if it wasn’t woven deep in me.
May we all continue to walk each other home with TRUE love and continue asking “what is love”? ;) and as Rumi says “seeking to remove all the barriers that keep us from knowing it”.
Sending it 😋
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