Welcome to my Kali Ma days

“One of the greatest blessings of this work is how it brings feelings back online.

For much of my early life I was severely emotionally repressed. I was profoundly disconnected from my anger, my sadness, from fear and from joy. I just couldn’t feel anything. I was so numb.

Numbness - lack of feeling, the absence of humanity, compassion, and vulnerability - often gets confused with “spiritual enlightenment”, but it’s got nothing to do with it.

You can be calm, yet emotionally repressed.

You can be ‘non-reactive’, yet secretly be at war with yourself.

These days, I feel life very deeply. I weep easily. I am willing to feel my sadness, express my anger, set clear boundaries, speak my uncomfortable or inconvenient truth. I am in touch with the deepest joy of living. I love to laugh, to play, to be serious and silly and everything in-between.

Yes I am Awareness but I am also intimate with all that arises in Awareness, all that moves through it. In other words, I am in love with this world, with my humanity, with my flaws and imperfections and vulnerabilities, and with the vulnerabilities of my fellow beings. I am no longer working against my humanity, my flaws, my human power.

Do not be afraid to feel deeply, friends, and to express those feelings, even if it makes others uncomfortable or even angry. Give others their right to feel, too.”

- Jeff Foster

Some of my mantras this year to help me unravel the overworked peacekeeper in me, the #peoplepleaser:

Rock the boat

Stir the pot

I said what I said

Confidence is not arrogance

Standing your ground is not petty

Don’t back down if you know what you know it’s ok to say it

It’s not always a projection or a mirror game-learn to call a spade and spade ♠️ an abuser and abuser and know it doesn’t make you one too

Learn to discern and judge without shaming

Compassion yes but Truth and courage over fear of hurting others, test the edge, apologize if you need, but stop over apologizing just so you look higher minded

Forgiveness for those who are actually wanting to change and repair, otherwise boundaries

Anger is not violence

Anger is not always resentment

Anger is healthy for grief

Be angry and learn how to walk in your fire without dehumanizing others

But integrate your “fuck you” and use as necessary to ward off those who don’t care about you. (Everything has a place in god, yes that includes the use of fuck you;)

There’s a term called “idiot’s compassion” in Buddhism and I’m was 1000000 guilt of it - it means only having compassion for those harming you and while it’s ok to understand why ppl do what they do it’s also ok to say abso-fucking-lutely not ok to do it.

Compassionate Truth feels like oil and water.

Get used to it.

It goes on.

And Honestly still uncomfortable in this new skin.

Sometimes I wanna shrink back to just love and light and being small as people disrespect me. It’s easier. For me. I realize it’s actually what most of y’all need to be and practice but the spiral continues upward and im once again seeing old truths in new nuanced ways. I’m here integrating ego in a new way and if that doesn’t make sense to you it’s ok, it doesn’t have to BUT I hope you trust me and my character enough to know I’m consciously aware and praying for guidance to awaken and be useful daily SO I hope it at least makes you curious instead of simply judgemental.

And then, by all means judge away, that’s part of you and your protector and divine right as a human and what will lead you on just as much as boundless spirit will.

We need both.

Be both.

Human and spirit.

If you can.

If you dare.

Reach out or comment w questions

Sending love.