The meme pictured on FB says
"please don't let New Age WhiteWashed Spirituality make you believe that everything that upsets you is because it is something that is unhealed within you. some people just really have you fucked up and need to get fucked up."
S’all I’m tryna say.
Please stop telling me my bf broke my heart bc I need healing.
Do you hear yourself!?
One of my former friends kept doing this in so many covert ways and as I kept trying to explain to her she’d say she understood, she even apologized once, but never changed her behavior, and just kept telling me I was missing the point and to have compassion for him and just keep looking at my part and let it go/forgive in so many passive ways - which I know sounds like the thing to do but believe me when I say it was exactly where I used to be and the language I used to use against myself and exactly what perpetuated the cycle of abuse (my part) etc bc I actually didn’t need those things, they were the things perpetuating the harms.
I needed better boundaries and compassion for myself, to feel and EXPRESS my anger and my needs, but as I’d speak or post on sm she’d shut me down in various ways again by saying “that’s not the way to do it, just look at your part and move on” etc but what she couldn’t see is that my expression WAS my part and not letting ppl stuff it away with fluffy spiritual mantras that bypass our humanness and grief and basic needs.
Let me say that again: my PART is owning my voice that I’d shut down prior so I’m now posting things like this to express and raise awareness and help others going thru it to & normalizing feeling anger and grief which is a sign OF security via showing insecurity and mistakes. Showing ppl how it looks being vulnerable. Calling out bad behaviors without needlessly shaming but still seeing that it’s literally not always me sometimes it is in fact YOU and us naming that does not make us unconscious or irresponsible it makes us alert discerning and aware that we can’t be gaslit into believing a one sided reality or shamed into thinking I’m responsible for YOUR behavior when there are 2 people in any relationship it is often the other person causing the effect and affect and it’s ok to name that shit sometimes. Yes, take accountability if you have a response-ability but don’t take on more than what’s yours. Learn the discernment and difference and when to apply what.
I DID NOT need more understanding of him, his wounds or think it was bc I just had some “wound that attracted it”. I was clear about all of that. I teach it for a living. I chose him from a healed place. He presented as responsible and emotionally available. I became reinjured by his harms within the relationship. And I worked through those too while IN the relationship bc I was doing my part and self reflection and healed my abandonment and overfunctioning and avoidance and codependency etc! It was not some “thing” I STILL needed to work out. But damn if I ain’t workin it again now bc of the new wound.😉 plus some bc the same pattern of grief is now repeated with her.
2020-23 i finally worked thru UNLEARNING all of that old overly compassionate language #toxicpositivity that perpetuated the original cycles and got so clear on how we whitewash and light wash our experience with “it’s never them it’s always you” #radicalresponsibility used toxically and started asking for bare minimums and knowing I wasn’t overly needy or selfish for doing so, he discarded me bc he couldn’t get away with being emotionally abusive and manipulative anymore. I wanted him to show up like he loved me, bc he said he did, which meant not continually harming me, bare minimum.
She could not see this. Instead of her wanting to hear the grief and heartbreak, believing I’d done nothing wrong and actually healed my wounds in the relationship but got torn to bits bc of it, then helping me process the new trauma and hear the full story about my arrival of these clarities she sent me a long pointed harsh message, shutting my voice down, coming to HIS rescue saying I’m portraying this unfairly when she didn’t even know the story and saying “he’s just speaking his truth” which wasn’t true, he lied, breaking my heart wasn’t “his truth” it was his escape from responsibility in relationship, and then shamed me with “you weren’t perfect either, you were just as bad” I’m not perfect but I was not even a little abusive. This was my “friend” lecturing me on my trauma that she didn’t know anything about bc she’d pulled away months prior.
The problem is that ppl think pointing out abuse often gets skewed AS abuse itself and that’s the gaslight. I used to fall for the same story so i get it.
&
If someone has hurt you, it’s ok to say it.
It doesn’t make YOU abusive to say you’re being abused.
You’re not mean for saying they’re being mean.
Are we getting this yet?
My part is I thought this previously.
I now am crystal clear that
There’s a difference between naming harms and shaming.
One is a statement of fact and experience the other is an adding judgment and putting down or punishment.
I’d done extensive work in therapy, with him and separately, to undo the same spiritual gaslighting phrases about feeling like I couldn’t call out his abuse. I had a lot of old stories to unravel there.
She knew nothing of it (bc she’d started withdrawing which I respected bc holding space is hard sometimes) and/or how those were the exact phrases used that made excuses for his harms toward me instead of calling out his harms (which the therapist thankfully finally did) and she could not seem to fully understand after multiple attempts to explain how abusive it was of her to say those things to me ever but especially 2 weeks after my whole world was torn apart.
Plus she’d withdrawn even more from me (still not fully clear as to why but I have my guesses) and she had no idea what the full truth of my situation was, nor did she care to know (her own words) She just went to bat for him bc she thought I was making stories aka she didn’t believe I was wrongfully harmed and painted her harmful unsolicited spiritual advice like she was doing me a favor and being helpful despite requests for her not to.
She wanted me to understand his pain and POV and trauma but the irony is I ALWAYS did, and still do, but neither of them understood or cared about mine or saw that I understood theirs but how their behavior was harming me.
She wanted me to see “this is here FOR me” “this all happened so you can look at your shit” like gurl please, you don’t think I know how to practice that and/or trusting a process? And the irony is it all happened BECAUSE I healed my shit and again she couldn’t see that. She just kept seeing my grief and anger as wrong.
I would NEVER tell anyone they meet trauma like this FOR a reason. That’s abusive god language. There are important lines here where that language can be helpful and where it adds harm.
This is that line.
We meet trauma and develop addictions/bad behaviors bc we can’t cope, the trauma is NOT the teacher but we do get opportunities to learn. Not all recover. Willingness is key.
Telling ppl they get into harmful situations bc there’s something they needed to learn is often bullshit. It CAN have some truth bc we WILL learn but it’s not bc we “needed” it. It’s just a happening AND/oR you’re born into it and/or bc some people are infact being assholes (consciously or not) and if you’re trying to help someone heal, help their victims too. Do we understand why ppl are assholes? Yes, fear, unhealed trauma, etc. Are the ALL bad for behaving badly no but it IS important to name it.
AND THEY don’t need your sympathy as much as you to hold them accountable.
The ppl they hurt on the other hand, don’t need you to hold them accountable as much as they need your sympathy.
Learn the difference.
Learn how much to apply which to whom.
What I describe my former friend doing (what I used to do and what he used to do to me too and why I’m posting about so we can all stahp 👀)
is called “spiritual gaslighting, spiritual bypassing, spiritual bullying, supporting abusive behaviors, supporting abusers, narcissist coddling” and quite frankly when we do it, we look like assholes who are trying to be higher minded, enlightened, experienced and healed when we’ve actually just exposed a huuuuge chunk of ourselves we’ve never met. (How do I know? I used to be it;)
Often we’re unwittingly indoctrinated with false spirituality as fluffy positivity, or we’re too privileged to know about real harm OR we still gaslight ourselves about it and have a bunch of work to do 😉🙃 oh the irony and paradoxes are great and many eh?
My sympathies and compassion apply here too bc I’m guessing I hurt her in ways I’m not clear about and/or maybe she just has deep pains she hasn’t met that this inner spiritual gaslighter in her is keeping her safe from feeling or accepting and I understand, it sucks to feel the truth of abuse, knowing I hurt ppl or let ppl hurt me is one of the worst things to feel, I get it, and/or any other story that may not be ready for the light, but I do hope she has the bravery to feel it heal it and in the meantime I lovingly let her go and pray she has the courage to accept the truth of her blindness and harms toward me.
Him too.
That said, will I heal from this unnecessary and literally uncalled for hurt? Am I learning? Yes. The same way people who got bombed are and THEY too don’t need your “this happened for a reason” trope. All they need is your sympathy, understanding and advocacy or action of support.
Not everything happens for as reason.
But I can make reason and purpose for everything that happens.
And in some cases the reason truly is more simple and plain than I ever thought possible, some ppl are unhealed and assholes because of it and don’t give enough fucks to change it or care about people who say they love but continue to act in ways that show they don’t.
They are comfortable in complacency, thinking they’ve done enough work, or don’t have the capacity but regardless it’s important to know 👇
In other words, sometimes it’s actually NOT me, it’s you.
And if you have to use this “my part” ideology you could say an “unhealed part” in me was in simply naming that, being blunt like this, and not feeling irresponsible or like I was blame shifting when it was simply true.
And still, I would never say “ohhh that’s why this happened, cuz I needed to learn that!” No but I do say “because this trauma happened I DID choose to learn that.”
Can you catch the difference. It’s subtle but incredibly significant those who’ve been deeply wounded by others inexplicably harmful attitudes and behaviors.
Not asking for coddling victims either, just awareness of the differences between victims and victim mindsets which can keep ppl delusional.
How can you support those who’ve been hurt in your life, wether by your own hand and actions or lack of accountability and neglect?
How can you protect those who’ve been harmed in the same ways from others?
How can you be less “tough girl or guy” and more see the pain and hold space for others’ who are suffering from unhealed ppl.
For me: continuing speaking up. Louder than usual. Pointing at the spiritually abusive elephants in the room. Raising awareness. Etc
#mercuryretrograde shit 😉
Asking ppl who hurt ppl if they’ve amended their behaviors and changed their ways. Holding boundaries and calling out abuse when I see it. Emotional verbal spiritual or otherwise.
Hbu?
And btw I’m certainly not saying the ppl I mentioned above need to “get fucked” per se, again, I wish them healing, but i am using this harsh sounding quote to demonstrate the idea that sometimes it’s not that you need to be kinder, or heal more, but to get crystal clear on what’s your misperception and what’s clearly just harmful behavior from others and needs to be called tf out.
Also every once in awhile “fuck you” is absolutely appropriate valid and useful for your protection. It, like all things, have their use, I’m finally integrating my inner “fuck you” as an energetic boundary and I hope you do too.
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