Winnie
“Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.”
- W.S. Merwin
Winnie-blue we called it. The sky itself has been renamed.
“There is grief so great it has no sound, where time does freeze, where words would crumble in the weight of all that is, all that was, and all that will never be.
Grief isn’t an immediate problem to solve but rather a weight that stays in motion within a person. It asks to be felt but not necessarily understood. It stands between light and shadow, between here and there. And in this in-between, we learn to live.
Know there are seasons of regressing, so there are times of progressing. But stagnation patiently weighs on us with its pausing of time when we experience unthinkable loss, grief, or deep pain. Our light slowly goes dim. And then there are other moments seemingly unfamiliar.
Sometimes, they come in the quiet of the morning or when strolling in the park, when a deep knowing occurs, a light within the darkness, where we stop judging ourselves for how we feel or what we are experiencing and stand in our Wholeness, our true foundation, our worth. Not to deny our pain or leave our grief unfelt but to remember the strength, love, and courage it took to open our hearts again.
Out of suffering, may you find peace, purpose, and the hero always within you. Be ready for those moments, and you will find them. For when you believe it, you’ll see it.“
Happiest bEARTHday Winnie.
Part of me feels like I’m not allowed to grieve you,
Part of me doesn’t want to - it feels too heavy - i just want to CELEBRATE you and see ONLY the good - but that feels false - and half-baked, and THAT is never “good” for me or in my experience, for anyone bc it stuffs the truth and pain deeper and passes it to the next generation to digest, so, today I chew it well and let the well of tears and grief spill into whatever spell wants to be cast.
Part of me feels like I’m not allowed to grieve you a loud.
Because my former friend said “I exploit ppl’s death by using them for my own introspection or agenda and put words in their mouths” by reflecting in these ways.
Or because I’m just another estranged Ex person to you and your fam now,
Or because I told the truth about your Uncle online and how truly mean he was to me sometimes and how he wanted me to continue upholding his “good guy image” pretending it was just “a difference in our paths” when the truth is he just didn’t care enough to stop being a jerk, confront himself and the reasons why he was hurting me and start learning to love the person he said he loved.
Or because I'm afraid now your family might misperceive or even hate me, and/or now I’m seen as the mean one, crazy, or worse - like so much of my community does.
Or because you were never blood.
Or because it’s sacred or private or secret so you shouldn’t share it…
There are many stories and doubts of my right to love you and show it through grief, its anger saddness and honesty in a sm post,
And maybe there’s some truth to those above lines - at least I can honor the parts that are true for those perceiving or possibly projecting it as such and who’ve accused and shamed me without seeking to understand
But
I know the deep and wide expanded truth
And
I know, of all people you could see it too
And
Your sweet eternal soul and spirit certainly do.
This thought gives me so much comfort.
To know I can ask the angel what she sees and thinks and feels
And hear something so quiet and simple and loving and clearly knowing and I drop all worry of how others see me bc I know you do.
You always did.
I still grieve you Winnie.
The ways I stayed in the background bc I wasn’t sure if I had the right to connect with you as deeply as I would’ve had I felt I had permission,
Because I didn’t know if I was really welcomed, or a part of,
But you did.
And still do.
I think about the sunset walk on the beach in Cali and how grateful I am that I dared to ask you to play in front of the camera with me,
reading you your astrology chart and watching your nose curl at the things you didn’t agree with and your lips curl at the things you did,
you messaging me randomly and me feeling surprised that you wanted to connect,.. I wish so bad I would've been more engaging, you were literally the cutest and coolest and I guess I always figured I see you in a few days so what’s the rush,
the yoga practices in the living room and how I missed just being a kid and silly and had forgotten that light a playful energy… it was rarely present in my relationship and sometimes I didn’t realize how I was starving for it until it was there again… in the living room before sunday dinner,
sitting across from you week after week at said dinners wishing there was more to say but not even feeling it was my place to ask or be curious,… truly it was curious,.. like where was the happy playful me in those settings? I’m remembering it better with my own nieces and nephews now bc of you and I never want to feel that strange withholding of love for fear of “being weird or inappropriate” (as I was told by your uncle at times) again.
I will be loving more deeply for and because of you.
I will continue to remove any stories that keep me from showing sharing and expressing my love with those willing and available to receive it like you were.
And I’m forever grateful for the mirror of grace and love and connection you gave to me, for me, and through me still today.
Your spirit lives on.
I’m sorry I didn’t say it or show it enough while you were alive.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Thank you.
There are many threads 🧵 in these links.
You continue to weave and stitch me back together.
🦋🩵
(I grabbed that 2nd “ from FB and it did not grab the author’s name so plz lmk if you know)
Comments