When the roof behind you crumbled in a category 4 hurricane but you’re still chill. See pics here https://www.instagram.com/p/CykBjx-RQbE/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
A lil more aftermath from #hurricanelydia #hurricane fun times in #puertovallarta
Here’s one reflection of many facets mirrored for me:
This trip was much like my relationship started out fine, but not really stellar, I’m just good at making a good time and art out of anything. Then it increasingly got scarier, I got sicker, the environment got meaner, and then the rug was literally ripped out from under me. The last day it was like this last year grieving, and I made the best of it, the sun has been shining there’s been much to #be grateful for, I learned a ton, #and it was super rough and I’ve been sick as fuck.
6 days here 6 years there
Nobody signed up for hurricanes
Nobody signs up for #emotionalabuse
But they creep up on ya don’t they?
In both situations I did the same thing, I laughed, and made the best of it.
It’s a #shadow of mine. Weird huh? Making the best of something, #positivity could be bad? Bear with me👇
In the hurricane, it’s truly a smart, survival instinct.
In a relationship, it is some thing subconsciously ingrained in our #nervoussystem and it took me a couple years to notice I was even being treated poorly. I’m wired for it through my past but also through #patriarchy #misogyny and #accountability
I kept thinking “where my triggers are there are my teachers, I must have something unhealed if I’m taking his attacks personally” which in so many cases this is useful, but in the face of abuse its #abuse itself. #spiritualgaslighting
I’d do inventory and calm my nerves etc but what I really needed to do was have someone say
1- “he’s being mean, you’re not crazy”
2- “when someone is mean to you, it’s ok to be hurt, and it’s not your fault, in fact you’re right to be hurt, it’s ok to be angry”
3- “here’s what to say to someone who’s harming you”
4-“don’t believe them when they say you’re too sensitive, you’re misperceiving it” if it hurts you, you deserve to be cared for not dismissed.
In 2020 I started unraveling all of those previous #toughgirl #traumaresponses
I stopped #fawning and #placating and pretending everything was OK when actually, there was a raging storm and it wasnt just “my past trauma needing healing”, it was him retraumatizing me.
It was more subtle than I’d ever experienced in previous abuse but still very clear to seemingly everyone but me and my inner tough girl Tom boy ways.
His #bullying through #passiveaggression #condescension #neglect #dismissiveness and unsupportive “love” felt like “this is fine” insert dog sitting in fires meme.
And it wasn’t always fires which made it even harder to say “no actually this is not fine, you can’t be lighting fires and continuing to expect me to put them out, or to take responsibility for them”.
Like I have said before, I could’ve left, and the relationship that is, but I chose to do the harder thing, the more vulnerable thing, learn to communicate express myself, and put my heart on the table.
One of my favorite quotes about courage, “courage is going something might hurt and doing it anyway, stupidity is the same, and that is why life is hard”.
I stood the storm because I had little choice.
I stood in my relationship, because there were signs of improvement, therapy, and more. I stayed, because I realize abuse is passed on through generations, and I could understand why he was doing what he was doing. I made the accurate assessment that by him suggesting therapy, it meant she wanted to fix his behavior. I didn’t realize how much of a bluff it was until it was time for him to show his cards, do the work, and he turned the wind all the way up, cut and run, abandoning me instead.
To add insult to injury, he called it love. The only time love is in the leaving, is this the situation were reversed, and I left him.
I know it seems weird that it doesn’t go both ways, but this is exactly how the relationship was, he used valid spiritual and psychological reasonings to excuse his abusive dismissive abandonment.
Nobody signs up for that. And unlike a hurricane, It doesn't "just happen", it is a deliberate choice to harm a person you claim to love instead of take ownership for your bad behavior. It's abuse. Not love.
All that said I didn’t make the wrong decision in staying, I read my cards, the weather, and his to the best of my ability, and took a risk and got caught in a hurricane of abuse.
The reflection is, it shouldn’t have had to. I shouldn’t have been made to guess and people aren’t weather ;-) they very much have a choice, as long as they are of sound mind and body, addiction free etc and that is a whole other story that I won’t get into right now.
The parallels on this vacation were mind blowing, no pun intended.
I knew I was in for some rain, but of course, and I’m not expecting sunshine everyday, but I never should’ve had to withstand a hurricane 🌀
The way I can tough girl my way through terrifying situation. Seems like a great quality to have, and it is when there is no other choice but to survive and have a positive attitude within chaos all around you.
But when we’re talking abuse, #positivity is not the right response. #love #compassion #tolerance #patience the list goes on, they’ll become a way to #spiritualbypassing ourselves our pain our #trauma and true #healing
I can see that much of my life I’ve been in survival mode. I can see that much of my training has been that of hurricanes, unsteady, unsafe, uncertain. Running away from home at 15 into the arms of an abuser, because he felt safer than my family at the time is a great training ground for how to laugh in the face of danger.
It’s time that I unlearned that.
I’m ready to scream and howl and rage. The next time someone suggests that I be kind and peaceful toward someone who is hurting me.
There’s so much more. There’s always more, but I’ll leave it at that for now ;-)
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