So you want to hurt me, and still be friends?

Wanting peace and to be friends despite “politics” is understandable. And in some cases is actually just a mask for deeper shadows. Bear with me …

Imagine someone harming you and your friend said “I know they’re hurting you but I’m still going to support them bc____ insert reason____”

Imagine for a moment that your life or right to exist, to freedom, to safety, was being threatened,

and somebody stood with the person threatening you,

which in fact represents their beliefs,

how would you feel then?

Yes I understand that both sides feel this to some degree but there IS a difference.

Please keep reading and hopefully it helps bring nuance, open our eyes, and hearts.

When you say “we can still be friends” it can be harmful to those whose rights you voted against and are now asking them to befriend and fawn and self abandon and pretend your vote wasn’t personal when it absolutely was.

Intentions or not, your actions speak.

Even if you don’t agree w everything he represents, offering words of “friendship” is incongruous with your voting action which shows what you prioritize.

When I opened up hard convos and asked why my friends/fam chose what they chose, it’s true, most were not trying to dismiss others rights, they’re trying to protect their own and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that except most of his supporters answered money/economy as safety and priority rather than more equal human rights.

If voting one way hurts your pocket book and you still want to be friends that’s one thing.

If voting another way hurts your right to feel safety, that’s another.

It’s a huge value difference and it creates a sense of dissonance and feeling of unsafe and discomfort around many who may have formerly found you safe.

Those hurt by your vote supporting policies that endanger them are seeing that when it comes down to it, you have different priorities and values and theirs are not included.

The United is not so United.

It’s most about capitalism, individualism, personal freedom, every man for himself and thinking “I have no responsibility in your suffering” which simply isn’t true.

“our freedom is contingent on yours”

“we are all part of the web, what I do to you I do to myself”

And the golden rule suddenly doesn’t seem to matter to those claiming Christian values.

I don’t have the answers, there’s no one solution that’s for sure;

but saying what’s in this slide, “don’t let politics ruin a friendship” is 1- misleading bc it’s not “just a vote” it’s our well being and 2- asking someone to be a friend to you after you’ve disregarded their rights, is cruel, though maybe previously unconscious and even well-intended “positivity” to you but still the fact is your actions don’t match your words and that is cause for alarm.

We are not making a big deal or crazy for sensing and knowing and seeing that. We are not mean for saying it. You, who are asking for friendship, neutrality and peace (which is actually just avoiding the issues at hand not peace) are asking us to abandon our values and sense of safety. You are convincing yourself that you believing one thing and acting in a different way is “ok”… I understand this thinking… I’ve done it many times myself and apologized every time I’ve been given the opportunity to

so

please hear me when I say; what you’re actually doing is called cognitive dissonance and it’s a form of insanity.

It’s invalidating and denying the hurt you’ve caused others by your actions.

In repeated cycles it’s called abuse.

It’s you not understanding or being cognizant of that form of hurtful behavior which needs to be pointed out, not us for being aware of it and pointing it out.

We all have it. In various degrees.

I’m not saying we’re bad.

I’m just saying it’s true.

You get to choose how you feel and respond to me showing you that shadow.

But I hope you can see why we don’t feel safe around that, by definition, insanity.

I’m hoping to bring that light of awareness to your consciousness so you can choose different words than “we can still be friends”.

I.e. maybe try:

“I understand if you don’t feel safe around me since I voted in support of someone who has made threats against your basic rights and stands for values that hopefully both of us detest. Even though I thought I was just protecting myself and my welfare I can see I harmed you and put you at risk for greater harms in the future and I’m sorry.

I realize that me saying I care about you while acting in an opposing way with my vote is confusing and honestly I personally don’t know how to reconcile it either. I’d like to keep you as a friend but I understand if what I’ve done is incongruous with your definition of friendship and I dont expect you to call me a friend when I’ve acted in ways that support someone that could or has caused you harm. If there’s anything I can do to amend that please lmk. If not I’ll understand and sadly disconnect from you. I hope one day we can feel safe in each other’s presence and build a bridge back to better ways of walking each other home instead of having to choose between supporting each others ideaology and values as separate things.”

Just suggestions

It’s my prayer

And

Please remember

Me pointing out the truth and the problem here

Is not the problem

The problem of calling people friends after they’ve done things to hurt you and not acknowledged it or offered amends

Is the problem.

Me stating that you voted for a r@pist is not me being mean to you,

It’s me telling you the truth and maybe it’s just you not liking that fact. Not knowing how to reconcile it bc it does go against your values. Again cog dissonance.

Ftr “being mean” sounds like: ‘you’re a fucking idiot’. Which I’d never say but have had others say to me quite recently and then claim they’re not trying to be mean, just being honest.

That’s what we call a lie.

And if in repetition it’s called gaslighting.

And verbal abuse.

“Honesty without compassion is just brutality”

Please, learn how to have convos and “fight fair”.

Resource: Look up Gottman 4 horseman and check yourself for your ability inabilities here 👇

If you are:

criticizing character: I.e. going after a persons appearance values work etc

shifting blame, deflecting avoiding answers rather than taking accountability and practicing active listening and relating

being defensive as in non affirming when someone says “hey that hurt” you say “welp sounds like you need to fix your sensitivity”

stonewalling: cutting off communication rather than stating you need a break and taking initiative to reset a date/time and reinstating a convo and connection.

…then You are not able to have mature convos and need to work on yourself.

To be clear,

I’m not accusing or attacking any one person of doing these things, I’ve had convos with many,

I’m pointing out patterns and using factual examples.  Not dehumanizing or defaming characters. Can you see the difference?

I’m stating facts of behavior and how it affects others.

I’m telling the truth of the patterns and problems i continually see and walk through relationally often.

The problem is not about people being “too” affected

The problem is ppl not acknowledging it and accusing those affected of being too sensitive

Rather than owning how their actions are affecting others.

I’m guessing this post will hurt some of you.

If you feel attacked, you are welcome to express that to me, I’ll be reflective and apologize where appropriate, where it’s not appropriate I’ll stand my ground and state my boundaries, and also invite you to ask yourself if I’m truly attacking you or if you are simply perceiving it as such.

I will also remind you that in this case there is a big difference between me being a jerk and condescending or criticizing

VS

Me stating the truth and you feeling like I’m a jerk for saying it.

We gotta learn to discern the difference and it’s hard, I know, I’m with you.

I’m compassionately stating that I understand the imperfections and cognitive dissonance these elections ask us to bear

And

it’s still not ok to hurt your friends or family with a vote against their rights and then be neutral to, avoidant of, or deny that you’ve done that.

Neutrality and acceptance in the face of abuse and harm supports the oppressor not the oppressed.

Sometimes silence can be violence.

These are forms of enabling.

“Abusers and enablers are in the same category. Abusers cause the trauma and enablers reinforce its impact.”

Nate Postlethwait

When you support a person or leader who is taking away the rights of women not being able to choose what they do with their bodies You become an abuse enabler.

When you vote for a person who violates women you send a message to every person around you about your priorities and values, enabling mistreatment of women (am I’m using very soft words here tho I’d be ok with just calling it what it is I realize many are very activated by those words so I’m taking that into consideration).

Women’s rights are just one of many issues to speak of here.

All that said:

If someone says “I don’t agree w you and we can still be friends” and YOU agree with them, great 🙌

But please, if that’s not true for you, don’t self-abandon, dont lie to save face. Be honest, kind and understanding, but honest…

If anything let’s learn to communicate and have hard convos.

I got to practice this with 5 of my close friends last year. They were neutral to my abuse and or “nice and compassionate” to my abuser which I understood bc I had just been in the same fawn cycle and boundaried my way out of it

And

I was still not available to self-abandon with my “friends” who seemed to stand just as much or in some cases more with the person they’d heard the hurts here and there and most were just learning and realizing the depth of his harming behaviors toward me.

I tried, devotedly and patiently over a year and a half with some, to give them space and hope they’d hear these nuances but they could not and would not and continued to deny my reality or trust my knowing.

They were coaching me to let it go, move on, not be mad, be grateful and a million other ways we inadvertently but still very hurtfully show our lack of support for grief and people surviving great harms.

That kind of “peace” supports perpetrators. I know bc I WAS doing it for years and finally learned through much prayer, meditation shadow work and courage and disciplined action by asking “show me what I’m missing, show me how I’m contributing here, show me what I need to learn, help me have the courage to see it, humility to accept it, and steps to direct it into wisdom”.

It’s an ever moving process.

Like I said, I don’t have the answers, I leaned into hard convos with each of my former friends to the degree they were willing. When they became unwilling, I either got ghosted or placated or blown up on sm.

I’m not in charge of their responses or willingness to communicate with maturity and compassion.

I’m only in charge and response-able to discern if they are willing and capable to do so, if their actions match their words, the tones and intentions match too, and if not, I highly recommend disengaging bc what I learned is that some say they are willing but don’t understand what it requires or are simply lying aka fawning bc they are uninformed, lacking skill, awareness or capacity and that’s the best they can do.

I got to leave a lot of ppl who I called friends in their own misconceptions of me, anger’s right uses, and how to grieve abusive relationships. What to build from it all. And what grace actually is. Grace can be calm and compassionate

And it can be a fiery fury.

Grace is all.

Our mission is to embody it. Nbd ;)

This entire situation

On so many levels

Is very painful all around.

I wish I had more solutions and bridges for us but I am continuing to ponder and pray and build bridges where I can and but bridges where harmful people continue to cross into my life.

I hate burning bridges.

And there was my shadow.

I wanted everyone to get along.

How could that be wrong?

😑

When your values don’t include my well-being, when you value “peace” in the form of #spiritualbypassing and #spiritualabuse it perpetuates the stuck cycles of our collective psyches and

That is harmful

I’m no longer willing to contribute to that harm which causes so much much mental emotional physical and spiritual dis-ease.

So

Today

I burn bridges

In the name of peace.

True peace and love includes anger and its right uses.

I can’t tell you the right use for you

It’s different for each person and each situation.

But I can help you individually find what feels true and aligned for you.

For me,

Saving face,

Saving money,

Are not more important than saving lives.

I’ll willingly destroy my ego again and again if it means helping others heal.

That’s part of my mission, my cosmic makeup, it doesn’t have to be yours, but I do hope you get clear on it, and cultivate it and speak from that place of integrity to it.

If you need help I hope you reach out.

I’m doing my best to create safe and brave spaces and integrated networks of other safe and brave spaces.

In the meantime my heart is with all of us struggling to find truth and love in this brutal relationship environment.

May all brings awaken.

Slides:

"Don't let politics ruin your relationships"

It's funny how this is almost always said by the same people who voted against your rights.

I don't feel comfortable around you. The person that you voted for is

homophobic, racist, and hates women and none of that was a dealbreaker for you. It IS personal. We have a difference in morals and I do feel differently about you.

You cannot tell someone you love them and then try to take their rights away.“

&

“Elections will come and go. Don't let polities ruin your relationships.

One of the truest signs of maturity is the ability to disagree with someone while still remaining respectful.”