What I started seeing a few years ago was a murky outline of how I was using #toxicpositivity and #gratitude as #spiritualbypassing toward real problems (not imaginary “I’m too sensitive” problems where I’m misperceiving which does happen and requires much #selfreflection and #compassionatecommunication to move through)
But actually me bypassing what some of my core needs were in #relationship and what was actual harm like #dismissiveness #passiveaggression and more
Sometimes I conveniently overlooked my needs because of wanting to keep the peace, but on a deeper note it was that fear of love described in the slides.
"if we grew up not receiving the love we needed from our caregivers, we may have learnt that it was safer to not love, to keep our hearts shut.
love confronts us with our own non-sovereignty: ifi love you, i must accept the possibility that you may hurt me.
relational trauma teaches us that love is a threat. at the same time, we're hardwired for connection. we desire to love and be loved, even though it terrifies us." @softcoretrauma
That wanting to be seen and #vulnerable but not really because I might get hurt if I tell you I want you and you don’t want me, I feel #rejection and nobody wants to feel that. Ever. Not even in the small ways from strangers not smiling back at you when you smile but especially not in the bigger ways that show you the partner you’ve chosen to build a life with might not be able to receive the kind of love you want to give let alone reciprocate.
If I tell him what I want and he says no I’ll feel_____
Then I’ll get to look at______
Including this… the end of the relationship… the loss of my life as I know it
&
Most of us aren’t brave enough to do it.
I get it. I wasn’t. And some scenarios it really makes sense to just leave it (like my grandparents relationship in the 50s;) And then I started leaning deeper into #shadowwork and #moonmagick and guiding others in #emotionalalchemy thinking I’d seen so many of my dismissed parts but found 1000x more.
So I kept leaning into them. Asking myself hard questions everyday. Journaling my heart out every 2 weeks under the new/full moons. Guiding others I could hear my own voice louder and louder. Teaching others often teaches us. Often we teach what we need to embody. I thought I had. And in so many ways I had,… but there was more. That’s the gift and curse,… there’s always more.
In order to heal a fear of being abandoned you have to risk that you might be and hope that you won’t.
If I would’ve simply left when it got hard and my needs weren’t getting met (which was what my ego wanted to do in 2020, run/protect, and it wasn’t wrong - it too just needed a more refined edge and middle way) I wouldn’t have learned how to speak about my needs - I would’ve just said “well looks like he can’t” but I realized I hadn’t really asked. Not skillfully or directly anyway. I needed to do that because it was the risk to love.
Walking away would not have been easy, it would’ve taken one level of guts. James had that. But staying and learning how to speak up in the face of possible rejection and retaliation
In the face of possibly receiving love
Was the medicine I chose and needed and am continuing to refine.
My latest #integration is learning “yes he loved me and he caused hurt AND one thing doesn’t wipe away the other. It takes a deeper amends. And even if you don’t hear me I get to express the painful paradox and ask for amends.” This is a bold move for someone like me who believes “it’s all my making and doing and pointing at someone else is playing victim and not owning your shit”. Today I get to see that is not always the case.
There are nuances and refinements to ever facet of accountability and I tend to be overly accountable so I’m swinging the pendulum back to middle.
If I would’ve done this better in the relationship it might’ve worked, and it might’ve ended sooner because I would’ve seen it just wasn’t an available move for you. And then yes, I’d be the one who left.
There’s no good guy/bad guy. We are both villain and victim in some ways. But today I get to tell my story and my side and honor it. Yes, It’s same coin opposite sides and today I focus on it all, both sides and the coin, the validity of both its sides AND it’s whole WITH OUT protecting you over me or diminishing my pain. It’s uncomfortable. Highly recommend;)
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